The True Blood 'Sex and Violence' Meter: 'Beautifully Broken'

Previously on True Blood: Everyone was naked, gay, or reenacting sex acts that could get us flagged for language if I even mentioned them. While that might sound like a typical True Blood episode, this week's installment put up quite a fight! Let's recap the sexcapades and bloody action of last night's episode and see if graphic violence can out-tally graphic doin' it.

· Aaand we're off right out of the gates, as Bill whips into frame with a wolf's ear in his bloody mouth (Violence: +5). As we pull back, we see that several of the werewolves have lost limbs in the melee, a sight that would be horrifying if their gym-toned bodies weren't precisely laid out for maximum nudity. Violence: +3, Sex +5.

· The presence of the Vampire King of Mississippi (looking for all the world like your racist neighbor who's really into Civil War reenactments) provokes the remaining, full-limbed werewolf ringleader to transform back into his naked, buff human self. His name is "Cooter." I suppose "Bunghole" was taken already. Sex: +2.

· A peeved Vampire King has his choice between shooting two of the naked were-men in order to make a point. He decides to go for the featured extra. Goodbye, naked were-man. You may have gotten no lines, but that yoga class on the westside sure paid off. Violence: +5, Sex +2.

· Shortly after the opening credits, Lafayette busts into the bathroom to interrupt Tara's attempted suicide and be fabulous. I'm again forced to wonder why Nelsan Ellis (and Alexander Skarsgard) are still listed among the guest cast members in the opening credits. Violence: +2.

· These initial Sookie/Eric and Pam/Jessica scenes are sadly devoid of sexual tension. Where are Pam's arch innuendos? Give the poor Jessica the bicurious college experiences she never had! Sex: + half a point.

· Because you all loved Godric so much last season, now they're going to bring him back for as many flashbacks as possible. In the first, Eric and his mini-maker fight a naked she-wolf of the S.S. I just saw this on Hot in Cleveland. Violence: +5, Sex: +5.

· After a conversation with Jessica, New Haircut Hoyt beats on her door in frustration. Poor Deborah Ann Woll is spending about 80% of her time with blood-stained cheeks this season, but she can really pull it off. Violence: +1.

· Fearing that he's an intruder, Sookie accidentally hits Jason in the crotch. Violence: +3. It's official: there is no woman on this show that can resist the vortex of Jason Stackhouse's privates. Sex: +1.

· After Sam's younger brother points a rifle in his face (Violence: +1), we meet Sam's redneck dad, who's dressed in nothing more than a pair of loose tightie-whities. No! Cannot unsee! Sex: -5! (Also, where is Sam's mom getting her stash of backwoods Botox? Is this another magic thing?)

· "Why didn't you tell me (that your mom would be played by Alfre Woodard)?" complains Tara as she takes a trip to the loony bin with Lafayette. Who cares, when Lafayette is busy meeting Mysterious Love Interest #1 of the episode, a handsome nurse named Jesus. We'll soon see if True Blood can do actual homoeroticism instead of just the wink-wink kind. Sex: +1.

· Terry asks Sookie if she knows how to use a gun. "I ain't that blonde," she answers. Good, because that look doesn't quite work for you, Sook. Violence: +1.

MIDWAY POINT: Halfway through the episode, the dismembered limbs are outranking the lustily intertwined ones, 26 points to 11.5. Can the Sex Meter catch up?

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