The Critics Are Crazy About Jonah Hex!

When the news that you're releasing a film actually surprises people, and the primary buzz the week of its release is how stunningly short it is, you know you've got a bit of a problem. But that's the bed Warner Bros. made for itself with Jonah Hex -- and that's where critics found it today, lifeless, with a "DO NOT RESUSCITATE" note taped to the pillow. Read on for a selection of noteworthy postmortems.

· "A dog's breakfast of half-remembered spaghetti Westerns and the leftovers of Wild Wild West, the film stars Josh Brolin as a Confederate soldier out for vengeance against the one-time comrade who killed his family. President Ulysses S. Grant makes a guest appearance too, as does Megan Fox's cleavage. [...] They should have just cut another 81 minutes." -- Stephen Whitty, Newark Star-Ledger

· "[Josh] Brolin discharges his comic-book duties manfully (if by manful you mean with a perpetual, squint, growl, scar-tissued sneer, and a tendency to peer out below the brim of his hat like a cowboy Princess Di). But the star is done in by the deathless mediocrity of the production, an assemblage of random camera shots, messy editing, redundant scenes, and witless dialogue as haphazardly stitched together as the flesh on Jonah Hex's face." -- Lisa Schwarzbaum, Entertainment Weekly

· "At 80 minutes in length, it feels half-formed, with things like Jonah and Lilah's backstory and everyone's access to advanced weaponry left unexplained. It's a quintessential paycheck movie, made not because someone had a terrific vision for how to adapt the story but because a studio owned the rights and thought they could make some cash from it. Let's prove them wrong, shall we?" -- Eric D. Snider, Film.com

· "Jonah Hex is to film what the chicken nugget is to cuisine. Bland, anonymous, packed with non-nutritious filler, prepared without pride or love, easiest to consume if you're not paying attention. This is industrially processed entertainment at it cheapest, nastiest and greasiest." -- Colin Covert, Minneapolis Star-Tribune

· "The only people who deserve to see Jonah Hex are Hitler and the CEO of British Petroleum." -- Willie Waffle, CW 50 (Washington, D.C.)