Introducing the True Blood 'Sex and Violence' Meter

· Eric sits in his Fangtasia throne appreciatively watching a dancer (Yvetta? I don't get a good enough look at her breasts to know for sure) and then he's joined by Evan Rachel Wood and Zeljko Ivanek, who's mandated by law to appear in every single show on television (a particularly creepy episode of Sesame Street is next!). Evan also appreciates the dancer, on account of her bisexuality. Sex: +1.

· Jason tries to interest New Haircut Hoyt in two willing college girls, who call Jessica's adorable on-off flame "a big puppy." No, that'd be Sam. From the sidelines, Andy Bellefleur wildly overacts even in his one-second reaction shot. Anyway: implied threesome on the way! Sex: +1.

· Usually, the vampires' hyper-speed makes me giggle and think of the syndicated Jerry O'Connell superhero series My Secret Identity, but Evan Rachel Wood's Skarsgaard wall-slamming move is actually pretty badass. Violence: +5, but Sex gets a +1 for her high heel placed threateningly above the few inches of Skarsgaard we'll probably never get to see on HBO.

· Pam drops in on Sookie and Lafayette and I realize that with her wink-wink arch manner, she's basically the vampire version of Samantha Jones. She's not super-sexy in these scenes but that shade of pink is ridiculous and she does allude to a hooker past, so Sex: +1.

· Want a window into Jessica's mindset in any given scene? Her always exposed bra straps will help. As Sookie goes to visit her, she's changed from her red man-killing brassiere into a virginal white number. Remorse! Sex: +1.

· Like the sexiest Dybbuk ever, a shirtless Bill goes to feed on an old lady. Sex: +1.

· Tara's mom is still trying to get up on that reverend! Their hug goes on a little too long for the Rev's liking. This happened all the time on Amen. Sex: +1.

· It's the obligatory Jason Stackhouse sex scene! He tries to get it on with both of the college girls, but cheesy bullet-hole special effects provide too much of a distraction. "How about the two of you focus on each other for a minute so that we have some girl-on-girl for the 30-second season promo?" asks Jason. Sex: +5.

· Sookie happens on the overturned car wreck, then find a weird insignia on the neck of one of the Eagle roughnecks. It has something to do with "Operation Werwolf [sic]," says Jessica's hand-dandy rune app. Violence +1, for the car wreck corpse, Sex: +1 for Sookie and Jessica standing so close to each other. They kind of have chemistry!

· Bill Secret Identity runs straight into a wolfpack. "I should warn you: I've fed," he tells them. Then the fangs come out. Violence: +1. What I wouldn't have given to see Stephen Moyer leaning over and biting dogs one-by-one.

FINAL TALLY: The Sex Meter tallies 39 points to Violence's 20, due mostly to everyone bringing their nudity A-game this week. If people would stop restraining Tara every time she tries to strangle another character on the show, maybe Violence would be getting somewhere.

See you next week, when things get even gayer. Oh, it's possible!

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