Introducing the True Blood 'Sex and Violence' Meter

Much is made of True Blood's willingness to push the envelope when it comes to sex and violence, but which does the show give more screen time to? Each week during the Movieline recap of HBO's vampire series, we'll tally points for sexual content (sample activities: Jason Stackhouse getting laid again, or Pam lurking in the background with an outfit that makes her look like a rubber fetishist from a mid-90's episode of Real Sex) and violence (even a particularly vicious comment from Lafayette or Tara could count for this, depending on Arlene's wounded, crumple-face reaction), then declare a winner. So who came out ahead in last night's third season premiere?

· As our third season begins, Sookie is frantically searching for Bill, Sam is formulating his big pitch for a tail-wagging special episode of Who Do You Think You Are?, and poor, dim Jason Stackhouse...well, he's reliving the time he shot Eggs in a flashback so brief, it will hopefully circumvent paying a fee to Mehcad Brooks for the footage. Add a +1 to the Violence Meter!

· Two sweet moments laced with tragedy: Lafayette puts a blanket around Tara (like these two characters would ever cover their upper arms) as she mourns the bleedy Eggs, and Jessica swoons over Hoyt's bouquet while dragging in a fresh kill. Violence Meter: +2.

· Bill has been kidnapped by a bunch of mysterious, erratically goateed roughnecks. "Who are you?" he asks. They're probably from The Eagle. "How about you just call us 'The Fuck You Crew,'" answers one. Yes, definitely from The Eagle. They pull a very hurty chain around Bill's neck. Add another +1 to the Violence Meter. Sex Meter, you've got your work cut out for you!

· Tara and Arlene are throwing down. Between Arlene's squeaked-out "I give a fuck!" and Tara's "Trash is as trash does!" it's a catfight more delicious than anything on the Merlotte's menu. Violence: +1.

· Jessica bites into her own wrist in an attempt to resuscitate the dead dude she's hidden from sight. Violence +2, but since her red lacy bra features prominently in this scene, the Sex Meter registers for the first time with a weak +1.

· The roughnecks are feeding on Bill in the most homoerotically charged way possible. There's nipple play, spitting blood into each others' mouths, Bill moaning...this may have been taken straight from the New Sensations porno spoof. Violence: +3, Sex: +5.

· Jason and Andy come up with a sex alibi that's basically Alan Ball's promise to the audience that yes, Ryan Kwanten will get naked later in the episode. Just hang tight. Sex: +1.

· "I'm not in the mood for lesbian weirdness tonight, Pam." Sookie, you earned the Sex Meter a +1 with that crack.

· Alexander Skarsgaard makes his entrance in the buff, power-screwing a chained-up new hire named "Yvetta" (which is Estonian for "I just bought these boobs and I'm willing to do topless"). The camera kindly pans down for a long, full-body backside shot of Skarsgaard, then eventually gives a full-frontal of Yvetta. I've seen the next few episodes, and straight men, Yvetta is practically your sole oasis this season. Hold on tight! Sex Meter: +10.

· Bill twists some roughnecks'...necks...and takes control of the car. After it crashes, he crawls out, shirtless, and then mind-melds with Jessica, who's fallen asleep (though not before thoughtfully removing her own shirt at some point since her last scene). Violence: +2, Sex: +1.

· Tara proves herself willing to lash out at any female character with a bad dye job by lunging at Sookie and wrapping her hands around her throat. Lafayette unnecessarily intervenes. Violence: +1.

· Alexander Skarsgaard tries to have a dramatic moment while shouting into a Bluetooth device, but owing to his undone bathrobe straight from the International Male catalog, he's got an uphill battle. Sex: +1.

· Oh yes. The gayness scale-tipping slash fiction sequence where Sam imagines getting it on with Bill. The best part is that the writers don't even recap why Sam would have such a vision (it's because he shared Bill's blood last season), and as the two almost brush their lips and lightly furred pectorals against each other, you can almost hear the new viewers exclaiming, "What the hell? There's a show gayer than Vampire Diaries?" Sex: +5.

MIDWAY POINT: After a slow start, the Sex Meter has surged ahead of the Violence Meter, 26 to 13.

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