Damon Lindelof Writes the Sequel to Armageddon You'll Wish Was Real

Radio silence be damned! While his fellow co-executive producer Carlton Cuse travels around Europe like some post-college English major, Damon Lindelof has put pen to paper -- or fingers to keyboard -- on what could be the greatest piece of writing he's ever done. And yes, I am including Crossing Jordan in that statement. The Lost showrunner took time out from his busy schedule of tweaking the Star Trek 2 screenplay -- I'm assuming -- to offer up advice on how to stop the disastrous BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. Because, if it's good enough for Kevin Costner and James Cameron, it's good enough for Damon. What does he have in mind? Well, it all starts with Billy Bob Thornton.

Over at Esquire.com, Lindelof has penned a faux-treatment for a sequel to Armageddon, titled fittingly, Armageddoner! (Ed. note: The punctuation is his.) As Lindelof writes:

A greedy, evil corporation has unwittingly created a natural disaster the likes of which the world has never seen. Protocols were ignored. Warnings were unheeded. And none of the damn eggheads in Washington can seem to come up with a way to stop millions of barrels of crude from pumping into the goddamned Gulf, threatening our Americanism!

What we need, ladies and gentlemen, is experience. Experts who know their way around an OIL RIG. But not just any ROUGHNECKS. No. For this crazy plan to work, we'll need men who have experience with SPACE TRAVEL. Why?

Because we're gonna reverse-ARMAGEDDON this sh*t and call it a sequel.

And as fans of Armageddon know, that means hiring a team of space cowboys to blow an asteroid up and aim it directly at the hole in the sea floor, thus stopping the leak. Hey, it's better than anything BP has come up with. Oh, did I mention the earth's core is made of oil? Twist!

Lindelof imagines Thornton reprising his role, sans cane and limp ("He doesn't need the cane anymore -- maybe he has some kind of Iron Man cyberleg or something. This will be important later. Just don't ask me why"), and dealing with a -- gasp -- Jewish president. His casting suggestions: Richard Dreyfuss or Dustin Hoffman.

Anyway, it's no less ridiculous than anything in the Michael Bay original Armageddon and actually seems almost believable as a movie project. Of Bay, Lindelof writes that he'd sign up in a heartbeat because "he loves the 'James Cameron f*cking environmental message bullsh*t' of it."

And naturally, it would all take place in 3D.

· How 'Lost's' Damon Lindelof Would Clean Up the BP Oil Spill [Esquire/The Politics Blog]