The Mysterious Alvin Greene Ends Awkward Video Week With a Bang
How are you enjoying Awkward Video Week at Movieline? No one here could ever have planned such a cringe-y success, and certainly no one anywhere could have imagined it might include such diverse personalities as Salma Hayek, Patrick Stewart, Natalie Portman and Alvin Greene. "Wait," you say. "Who's Alvin Greene?" Well, that's the thing: Nobody effing knows. But Keith Olbermann was determined to find out Thursday night -- and that's when the AVW grand finale got underway.
So: Alvin Greene. The story's getting around quite a bit by now. It's one of those "only in America" triumphs of the little guy -- and not necessarily in a good way. The unemployed Greene, 32, on Tuesday won the South Carolina primary election that resulted in his nomination as the Democratic candidate for the U.S. Senate. Except he didn't campaign, he had (and still has) no staff, and no one knows how or where Greene came up with the $10,000 filing fee to enter a race that he won with almost 60 percent of the vote. He'd already been labeled a "plant" by House Majority Whip (and fellow S.C. Democrat) Jim Clyburn, and another, even more fantastic theory ripped from The Manchurian Candidate suggests the Army veteran is a North Korean operative working to infiltrate Washington. (Quick! Hide the queen of diamonds!)
Frankly, I don't care either way, because South Carolina's power corridors are historically a place where rational, ethical behavior has had no quarter, and anyway, I live in New York, where you can't throw a rock without hitting some scaly politician with even fewer scruples than these guys. But that politician won't go on Countdown two days after his colossally suspect primary victory, delivering the harshest torrent of unalloyed bullsh*t since, well, Tony Heyward's last press appearance on behalf of BP.
Anyway, America, we've got problems, and they're bigger than Portman not knowing Chris Hemsworth was on Dancing with the Stars. And until Hollywood starts loosening its own bowels again, Awkward Video Week is about as hot it gets around here. And... scene.
[Countdown clip via Videogum]
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Thanks to my sad over exposure to Hollywood movies I already know how this story is going to end:
Greene will make numerous gaffes even more disastrous than this interview, and the evil Republican plotters will think their scheme to dash the Democrats' chances has worked. That is until Greene meets an idealistic young Zoe Saldana-esque law student who inspires him to start "Telling it like it really is" about all the problems he sees in this country. Soon the people respond, and Greene's "Average Joe" take on politics puts him ahead in the polls.
The evil Republican plotters won't be defeated so easily though, so they leak information on Greene's arrest along with some crudely photoshopped photos of him in a compromising position with a barnyard animal. Greene's poll numbers go down and all seems lost until the Zoe Saldana-esque law student tells him he really means something to people and can't give up. After a night of soul searching Greene surprises all by showing up at the debates where he makes an impassioned speech and exposes the evil Republican plotters for all they've done. Greene will then kiss the law student in victory as the sun inexplicably loses its power and all light in the world slowly fades out.
Ah, yes, in my haste to get to the video I carelessly failed to mention the felony fucking obscenity charge he's facing.
Was Jeff Gannon not available?