Awesome Conspiracy Theorist Says Jennifer Aniston Stole G.I. Joe 2, Megan Fox is 23 Different People

Amid all those dream stories and headlines intended to fight off the Great Hollywood News Drought of 2010, I only wish I had the imagination to conjure half of what was reported Thursday in an awesome news tip to THR's Risky Business blog. Moreover, I wish I had half a clue what the hell any of it means. Read on, and help decipher.

What's really needed is some kind of flow chart illustrating the conspirators implicated in this mystery note. While it might be confusing at first, you'd totally figure it out after extrapolating the sixth Megan Fox in Jennifer's Body to the 23rd Fox in Transformers -- which was shot a decade ago, by the way. Right? Yes. Huh? Explain?

Before you read the rest of this mail you have to understand that most movies what you see in the theaters from Hollywood right now like Ironman,Prince of Persia,Clash of the Titans,Avatar,Transformers part 1,2,3 and 4 were filmed 11 years ago in 1998/1999/ 2000.I got kidnapped in Hollywood in 1999 and after this something happened and these movies were removed/ stolen.It caused a situation between 1999 and today that evolved into a scandal like Watergate.To give this some credibility;When you watch the movie Jennifer's Body there isn't 1 girl that's Megan Fox but there are 6 different girls who are all 1 Megan Fox in this movie.That's because Megan Fox isn't 1 person but they are 23 different models and actresses who are all 1 Megan Fox. [...]

The movie G.I.Joe and the promotion material[posters,bilboards etc.] from this movie don't belong together[you can see scene's and characters on the posters etc.from the 2nd G.I.Joe movie that aren't in the 1st G.I.Joe movie]that's because the movie is the 1st movie but the promotion material is from the 2nd G.I.Joe movie[with me as Sergeant Slaughter and Sienna Miller as The Baroness] that was stolen[the 2nd movie and the promotion material from the 1st movie] by Vin Diesel and Jennifer Aniston by burglarising the moviecompany that had these movies.Jennifer Aniston was jealous because I dumped Jennifer Aniston and started a relationship with Sienna Miller so she stole our movie.

Did I mention it's a slow news week? And: SOMEONE STOP VIN DIESEL.

· RISKY MAILBAG: Kidnapping, Vin Diesel's thievery and the dark truth about Megan Fox [THR]