Gleebasing: Somewhere Over the Rainbow, Skies Are Schue

After overdosing on sentimentality last night, I've decided to check into a Gleehabilitation clinic for the summer. The offshoot of the Promises program provides a safe environment devoid of primary colors, where Schoenberg's atonal compositions ring out across the campus all day and night, and all inspiring messages about the value of our differences have to be checked at the door (along with any shoestrings or Hall & Oates albums). It will be hard, but I was driven to this by last night's season finale schmaltz binge, "Journey." Let's relive the highs and shiver through the lows, and for the last time this season, there will be a pop quiz.

Just because the last few episodes have been bad doesn't make the entire season of Glee bad, but last night's season kicker got off to a shaky start. Sue Sylvester announced that she would be a judge at this year's Regionals along with a few other celebrities. Principal Figgins set the stakes for the competition, threatening to cancel the glee program if the team did not win or place. The New Directions were despondent. Schue even broke down crying in his car, big man-tears rolling down his face as the sweet sounds of Journey escaped his tape deck. Suddenly, he had hope.

Fast forward to regionals, where Rachel and Finn opened their number with a mash-up of Journey's "Faithfully," "Any Way You Want It," "Lovin' Touchin' Squeezin'" and "Don't Stop Believin'." It was an impeccable performance, aside from the fact that Rachel nearly wiped out as she walked backward into the audience.

Meanwhile, Quinn's mother conveniently appeared backstage just as Quinn's water broke. What came next was the first ever televised "Bohemian Rhapsody"/birthing mash-up. It was at once phenomenal and cringe-worthy -- everything Glee stands for! Clips of Jesse St. James belting out the lyric "Mamaaaa!" were intercut with Quinn screaming "Mamaaaa!" in a hospital bed as she pushed out a next generation glee-clubber. Contrived, yet still incredibly powerful.

Despite Sue's surprising vote for the New Directions to win, McKinley High did not place. Still, the glee club told Schue something about how they actually won because they had him as a coach. It was over-the-top sweetness that was then topped by Sue telling Schue that she wanted to keep the glee program for another year -- mostly because she didn't want to live in a world where she couldn't make fun of Schue's hair.

HIGH NOTES

· "I have to be honest, Will. I am having a really difficult time hearing anything you have to say because your hair looks like a briar patch. I keep expecting racist animated Disney characters to pop up and start singing songs about living on the bayou." -- Sue

· The New Directions' 60s-inspired Regionals costumes

· Vocal Adrenaline's epic "Bohemian Rhapsody" number

· "Newton-John, you're dead to me."/"Kiss my ass, Josh Groban." -- Sue

· "Brunettes have no place in show business." -- Olivia Newton-John

LOW NOTES

· Both Rachel and Finn and Quinn and Puck rekindling their relationships, leaving viewers nothing to guess about this summer

· Schue's sentimental speech before regionals. In case you blacked out, here it is:

"Life only really has one beginning and one end. The rest is just a whole lot of middle. I love you guys too much to not let you make the most if it. I was going to quit once, but you guys brought me back with 'Don't Stop Believin.'"

· The disappointing lack of Mike O'Malley in last night's episode

· The writers suddenly seizing on Olivia Newton-John for the episode's villain since Sue Sylvester needed to have a heart

· Shelby Corcoran (Idina Menzel) announcing to her birth-daughter Rachel that she was retiring glee club to adopt a baby -- specifically, Quinn and Puck's baby

GLEESARY

Guidance (n.) - A special kind of advice that Schue sought in last night's episode from a certain red-headed counselor wearing an oversized white bow tie.

Tokenism (n.) - A term used by Olivia Newton-John to describe the New Directions' disgustingly inspirational vibe.

Catch Poor (v.) - The act of becoming destitute through touch. For example, when Schue offered to shake Sue's hand, she said, "Not unless you have hand sanitizer. I've seen the car you drive. I don't want to catch poor."

POP QUIZ

1. What did Schue serve at his "First Annual New Directions Regional Set List Nominations Party?"

a) Pizza

b) Despair

c) A buffet of Jimmy Buffett hits

d) Schue's especially spicy personal recipe hot wings

2. Who did not cry in last night's episode?

a) Tina

b) Rachel

c) Schue

d) Mercedes

e) Other Asian

3. Which celebrity was not a judge in last night's Regional Championships?

a) Josh Groban

b) Olivia Newton-John

c) Rod Remington

d) Neil Sedaka

4. What do Quinn and Puck name their baby girl?

a) Jackie Daniels

b) Willetta

c) Beth

d) Schue-ina

5. Which character wore a jaunty sailor hat in last night's episode?

a) Puck

b) Quinn

c) Rachel

d) Kurt

Answers: 1) a; 2) e; 3) d ; 4) c; 5) d