The Bachelorette Studfinder: Hold Me Closer, Smiley Dancer
During last night's episode of The Bachelorette, several gentlemen stepped up and revealed themselves to be real competitors for Ali's manufactured affection. Still, just five of them can rank in Movieline's Bachelorette Studfinder, so get out your gel pens and spiral pads, because it's time to pass notes about the dreamiest contestants in Ali's periphery.
5. Roberto
The grinning salsa man took Ali on a tightrope-walking date because crazy romantic metaphors like "tightrope-walking" are so crazy and romantic, but his only discernible traits so far are "knowing languages" and "smiling until Ali is bored and feels obligated to bring out the early rose." That won't cut it in the long run! You know Ali remembers him by the nickname "Vaguely Ethnic Archuleta."
4. Jonathan
Single most hilarious Bachelorette contestant ever? I think so. When weatherman Jonathan burst into tears because he couldn't put on the loverman heat during the video shoot, Ali's libido turned into an unfeeling cold front. It doesn't take a meteorology degree to realize Jonathan needed a parka. That said: This guy really cares, which is more than I can say for some of these duds.
3. Frank
This is a senseless choice, yes. But I always root for crazy eyes over dead eyes, and Frank's retail-managing gaze is downright frightening. That means he's anxious and convulsive in the sack, and honestly, Ali could use a dollop of hyperventilation in her life.
2. Kirk
Kirk is the one undeniably likable -- and sexy -- contestant. When he made out with Ali during the video shoot, the other dudes turned into confused eunuchs. Because The Bachelorette is like a bawdy Aristophanes play in the end.
1. Justin
He was already my favorite "entertainment wrestler" of all time, but Justin upped the ante when he escaped on crutches to find Ali and spend time with her. He also uttered the phrase, "I'm the real deal," which may also be his entertainment wrestling motto. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Yep. The perfect man.
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Comments
tho i like some of the other guys and would want to live out my fun trips and such- i'd be inclined to just send everyone else home so i could just gaze into roberto's eyes. polite, worldly, and an athlete... and a dancer. i mean, c'mon. he's so perfect, it could get boring (and, not in a dorky jake way).
This Roberto is the one...the weatherman seems to have some psychol issues...and reading from the rag sheets the wrestler and the guy with the dark rimmed glasses have someone at home...so stick with the one who seems to spark you. The rest I really don't find any connection with at least for Ali. She seems sincere and is a caring person or she is a great little actress.
huh? "..I really don't find any connection with at least for Ali?"
How do you judge the chemical attraction WITHIN somebody you don't even know?
Is television a way for you to aggrandize your self-concept from TV-watching-random-person to enlightened-matchmaker-princess-extraordinaire?
Oh, wait. Have I said too much and called out the flimsy premise of this The Dating Game rehash #1,114? I'd better watch out. Now they might reject my application for The Bachelorette 2: Pimp Them Brohos. You know, the one that's really going to 'skyrocket my career.' Heh.