Gleebasing: Schue and Sue Make Sweet Funk

Last night, Schue & the Family Stone taught viewers about funk by moaning about Regionals-related depression, singing about how hard it is to be a pregnant teen, and saying the word "funk" over 50 times. Oh yes, the episode was funky -- and not in a good way. Like most of Glee's installments over the past two months, last night's "Funk" introduced a funk jam of story arcs that won't be continued next week, some heavy-handed after-school lessons, and another one of Schue's embarrassingly white dance moves (let's call it the funky butt rock). So grab your groove thang and let's relive last night's stank rhythms.

It's a shame that the writers followed up last week's entertaining "Theatrical" with this week's "Funk" fiasco, but rest a little easier knowing that last night's episode was intended to air before Glee's Lady Gaga tribute. Now all of that nonsensical TP-ing and parking lot egging makes sense, right? Well, not quite.

The episode started with Jesse "Hamburger" St. James returning to Vocal Adrenaline and joining his former partners for a performance of "Another One Bites the Dust." Afterwards, the demoralized New Directions team spiraled into a funk, and Schue tried to lift their spirits by teaching the kids about regrets. Viewers knew this because Schue told the kids, "Today I want to talk to you about regrets. Who has some?" Then he assigned everyone a funk number.

Quinn recruited a few high school students with fake baby bumps to join her in a classroom funk-ormance of James Brown's "It's a Man's Man's Man's World." Mercedes abruptly related because she is also a minority, and Mercedes and Quinn later vented their minority frustrations in the library ("I only have to feel like this for nine months, you have to feel like this your whole life") before Mercedes invited Quinn to move in with her family.

Meanwhile, Puck and Finn deflated Vocal Adrenaline's tires in some kind of glee club hate crime and had to take jobs with Terri (busy signing divorce papers with Will) to earn enough money to pay for the prank. Schue seduced Sue with a nauseating lap dance to the tune of "Tell Me Something Good" before teaching her a little somethin' about revenge, funk-style.

HIGH NOTES

· "Glee clubbers, for those of you whose hearing has been damaged by massive doses of Accutane, listen up. In a few weeks, glee club will be finished. How do I know that? Well, I recently checked the odds with my Vegas bookie, who told me that you are 40 to 1 underdogs at Regionals."

· Finn and Puck's dream-sequence performance of "Loser"

· "You know, for me, trophies are like herpes. You can try to get rid of them but they just keep coming. You know why? Sue Sylvester has hourly flare-ups of burning, itchy, highly contagious talent."

· Sue's house, which was filled with more trophies than the courtside seats at the Staples Center

· "Hot Cheetos have been proven to raise endorphins, which makes for happy kids, and I can't have that."

LOW NOTES

· Where in God's name is Emma Pillsbury? (OK, so Jayma Mays was probably shooting The Smurfs and didn't have time to learn the tricky choreography to Earth, Wind & Fire's "September," but couldn't she have at least showed up for one scene so that Emma could have talked Will out of seducing Sue Sylvester? That's all I ask. I've given up on Emma and Schue's romance.)

· Usually, Glee never passes up an opportunity for spontaneous song but last night, Schue and Terri curiously signed their divorce papers without breaking into an acoustic rendition of Boogie Funk's "Heartbreak"

GLEESARY

Funkification - (n.) A Carmel High tradition of psyching-out its glee club competition by staging a spontaneous performance of overplayed Queen hits in the competitors' auditorium. As Artie said, "They show us what they've got and we spiral into a deep black funk."

Clinical Depression - (n.) According to the members of glee club, this is a state of sadness that occurs when you realize you won't win Regionals, and it's marked by mistakenly choosing a hip-hop song for your funk assignment and wearing the same outfit twice in one week.

Go All Braveheart - (v.) The act of messing up the faces of the rival glee club after they egged your friend. As in, "We're going to go all Braveheart on Vocal Adrenaline."

POP QUIZ

1. Sue planned to make the New Directions' rehearsal room her official...

a) weight room.

b) protein shake supply closet.

c) trophy annex.

d) torture chamber for overweight Cheerios.

2. In a ridiculously dramatic moment, Schue threw _____ at a wall, shattering it into a million pieces.

a) Sue's oversized trophy

b) his tuning fork

c) a ceramic mug that his ex-wife made him for their two-year anniversary

d) a heart-shaped candy dish

3. Quinn regretted thinking that _____ was a reliable birth control option.

a) 'trust me'

b) pulling out

c) prayer

d) cheerleading

4. Which character uses voiceover to set up one of the episode's story arcs?

a) Finn

b) Quinn

c) Kurt

d) Puck

5. Sue Sylvester asked Kurt to perform a 14-minute long _____ medley for the Cheerios' final competition.

a) Judy Garland

b) James Brown

c) Creedence Clearwater Revival

d) Celine Dion

Answers: 1) c; 2) a; 3) a; 4) d; 5) d