Translating the SATC2 Cast's Responses to the Critical Backlash

Tired of constantly having to reapply their mascara after haters line up one-by-one to toss the appletini of disrespect into their faces, the Sex and the City 2 cast are finally addressing the negative response to their movie, which, utterly unsurprisingly, is poised to out-earn its previous, less critically pooped-upon installment. In a BBC News story about the ferocious backlash, the gals (and writer-director Michael Patrick King) are finally getting their side of the story out there, licking their wounds until they can take a restorative soak in a hot tub filled with $60 million of opening-weekend cash. To help you navigate their counterpoints, Movieline will translate the best quotes from Wounded Star to Actual English:

"There comes a point where you have to allow people to have opinions, good or bad. We've done everything we can. We obviously believe in the story we're telling and how we're telling it. We can't go back and change it, so at what point do you give any credence to the unkind, the aggressive, the hostile and the scurrilous? What value is there in that at this point? We're simply doing what is required of us to promote a movie." -- Sarah Jessica Parker

Translation: "Look. Look. This is a movie about shoes. Lots of shoes. And crazy outfits that cost more than your car, if not your home. There's some sex in there, too. OK? We all knew that going in. There's no point in listening to people bitch about our shoe movie. It is what it is. And now we have to travel the world, answering questions about how we feel about people crapping on the shoe movie. Can't we just promote the shoe movie without the annoying questions about the perceived lack of quality of all the parts that aren't shoe-related?"

"I think that people will be interested in seeing it no matter what. There's many delights. If the storylines don't grab you, the fashion might." -- Kim Cattrall

Translation: "We know who our audience is: People who want to watch me f*ck. If that particular delight isn't your thing, check it out, they bought me one of Mork's vintage bodysuits and hot-glued some giant spikes to it! Mork calling Orson, I'm f*cking fabulous!"

"They're often important in the theater as they can make or break a play, but in movies I think people don't decide to go to the movies based on what they read in the paper." -- Cynthia Nixon

Translation: "Enjoy the last days of your dying profession, movie critics! No one cares what you have to say; people decide what movies to see based on eight-figure TV ad buys. I'll worry about critics when my run in The Vagina Monologues is about to start."

"I feel like the critics are the people who go into the middle of a big party with a big fire hose and just wet everyone down, but the Sex And The City fans will just shake it off and have another cocktail and laugh." -- Michael Patrick King

Translation: "When killjoy critics bring the fire hose, we just throw a totally amazing wet Versace party! Who needs another Cosmo, ladies?"

"Our fans have been so loyal for so long. I feel like all of us that we feel very confident about our fan base and that's who we made this for." -- Kristin Davis

Translation: "The show was on for six years. The first movie made $415 million worldwide. It absolutely makes no difference what we put out there this time. The fans are showing up. It's sort of ridiculous we're even having this conversation, isn't it?"

"We don't try and stop them from evolving in their lives. By allowing the characters to grow and change you get to grow with them because they're basically reflecting your life." -- Michael Patrick King

Translation: "There just wasn't the CGI budget to make them all 28 again, OK? Yeah, they're probably too old to be carrying on like this, but you know what? So are you."

"I made a deliberate attempt to take the girls as far away from the husbands and the babies as I could. Even though they have evolved in their marriages they become single girls again." -- Michael Patrick King

Translation: "Husbands: boring. Babies: Oh my God, super-boring. I said to myself, how do I get the gals as far away from boring and super-boring as possible? That's right: a trip to Abu Dhabi. A moon colony populated exclusively by horny poolboys with an appetite for older ladies was a bit of a stretch."

"I think people will like it a lot. It shows that you may look different, you might dress differently, you might speak a different language, but sisterhood is really global." -- Cynthia Nixon

Translation: "Didn't you hear Kristin say the first one made 400 million bucks worldwide? Thank you, global sisters, for my chalet in Aspen."

"We've been doing Sex And The City for 14 years, we've been upsetting people for 14 years. We're kind of used to it, that's what the show is all about. We've beaten down a lot of doors and opened a lot of people's minds about women and how they deal with issues." -- Kim Cattrall

Translation: "Feeling a little stale in your life or marriage? Fly to the UAE for a week, all expenses paid by some nutty sheik, and get some perspective. It's what all women do."

"I think the worst that we could do is to outstay our welcome. It's good to know when to end something and I think that we did that with the series. I would hate to go on and make movies just for the money." -- Kim Cattrall

Translation: "Oh, God yes, we're doing another movie. And they're going to pay me millions and millions to do it! Me and the girls will probably even hold out for bigger paychecks. It's not like the studio is going to say no to making another half-billion dollars. And next time, we're going to dare you to not see it. I'm going to wear a garbage bag covered in gold-plated kitten fetuses, and you'll still show up! See you in 2012!"

Sex and The City stars dismiss bad reviews [BBC News]