A Star is Born on the Croisette -- and He's 101 Years Old

Enough with the desperate starlets trying to make a name for themselves on the Croisette in skimpy bathing suits -- chickens, really. The sexiest breakout star on the Riviera this year is a 101-year-old Portuguese man. Film-snob circles have deified Manoel de Oliveira for years, since he was an nonagenarian at least. For all you Hollywood power types looking to sign the next big thing, here's your cheat sheet on who is arguably the biggest story of Cannes thus far.

De Oliveira has been in competition at Cannes six times -- not that the mainstream would have noticed while circling the next David Gordon Greens of the world for that tentpole action franchise, The freshest cinematic talent, however, might be geriatric. Just look at Alain Resnais, the sexy 87-year-old who was the star of Cannes last year with his quirky art-house romance Wild Grass. You missed the perfect opportunity to sign him for the next Reese Witherspoon or Renee Zellweger romantic confection, which could have benefited from the under-appreciated and much-maligned touch of an octogenarian.

None other than Manohla Dargis of The New York Times gushed "I can't wait to see it again!" after beholding the romantic fable The Strange Case of Angelica -- the Portuguese master's new feature (his 42nd) about a Jewish photographer who falls in love with a dead woman. Imagine that kind of critical fanfare blaring from the print ads for your next Amy Adams supernatural time-travel weepie and don't even think about stealing the tag-line "I Shoot Dead People" for Angelica's American studio remake starring Chloë Grace Moretz.

Do not pass up this rare chance to sign De Oliveira for your next magical-realist bodice ripper à la The Time Traveler's Wife or The Lake House, because this is your man -- he can go the distance. He would have been perfect for Breaking Dawn, but you had to rob the cradle and sign the 55-year-old Bill Condon instead, someone who clearly has much to learn about the craft. Laugh all you want at De Oliveira's age, the stalwart stud and one-time professional gymnast made his first feature in 1931 and has directed a movie per year since 1990. He's worked with big stars like John Malkovich and Catherine Deneuve so you know he could have handled both KStew, RPatz, Lautner, Fanning and any other tween fodder thrust in front of his masterfully exacting lens. Big mistake! Huge.

Stop foaming at the mouth over 21-year-old Canadian wünderkind Xavier Dolan, whose second feature Heartbeats is also in the Un Certain Regard program -- those tots are a dime a dozen. The big story in Hollywood power circles is always youth, youth, youth. But look what happened to Harmony Korine! For five Dolans you could have one De Oliveira and sleep soundly at night in your Brentwood manse knowing that your shrewd investment in quality over quantity will reap solid rewards for years to come.

If you're still not convinced that De Oliveira is perfect for the rush-job Avatar prequel scheduled to open this Christmas, look no further than the Portuguese stallion's recent Cannes schedule. On the morning of his Strange Case of Angelica premiere he was at the Vatican being received by Pope Benedict. By early evening he was on the Riviera, in a tux, walking the red carpet, ready for his close-up on the Croisette. These kids today, they have no attention span. But De Oliveira, now here's a guy who knows how to multi-task. Give him a six-picture deal before someone wiser than you snaps him up and the next thing you know you're pulling Pinkberry for minimum wage.