Real Housewives of New Jersey Reality Check: Attack of the Jersey Stage Mothers

If you are an employee of Child Protective Services -- or a friend of an employee of Child Protective Services -- please speed over to Danielle Staub's crumbling Jersey McMansion pronto. This woman is already in the system -- for kidnapping, cocaine possession, falsely accusing her first husband of raping her on a bed of broken glass, prostitution, the usual -- and as of last night's episode, "Generation Vexers," she is pimping her daughter out for her own financial gain and vicarious thrills. (Come to think of it, why haven't Danielle's children been taken away sooner, and why does she have a reality show where her abominable parenting skills are highlighted while her children -- her beautiful, empty daughters -- sit by, hopeless?) After the jump, Movieline searches through last night's depressing depiction of Jersey motherhood to find the truest and falsest moments of the night.

TRUE: Danielle Will Ruin Her Daughter's Modeling Career

Maybe Danielle's daughter, Christine, did not say so much during her first professional photo shoot, but her exasperated expression did. From the moment that Danielle announced that IMG was interested in working with her eldest daughter, the housewife squashed the moment by singing "Will you still remember me when you are famous?" and proclaiming that Christine's inevitable modeling fortune will afford her family a bigger house.

The horror show continued when Danielle met photographer Gilles Bensimon (Housewives cross-over alert: Bensimon is NYC housewife Kelly's ex-husband), who would be responsible for Christine's first cover shoot. Danielle threw herself at his feet, called Bensimon a "god" and then proceeded to snap her own iPhone photos while shouting generic photo shoot phrases at her daughter like, "A vision! Look at her face! I can't stand it! Oh yeah, baby! Smokin' hot! She's like a Barbie doll!" Hoping to silence the whacked out stage mother, who came to the photoshoot with her own camera crew in tow, Bensimon suggested that Danielle join her daughter onstage for a photo.

Christine, if you are reading this, why don't you look into legally emancipating yourself from your mother and cutting all ties with the Bravo franchise immediately to save your modeling career. Otherwise, your image will forever be linked to Housewives episodes in which your mother places inappropriate value on bathroom appliances ("Bidets are super, super important").

FALSE: Gia's "Walk" Secured Her a Spot in New York Fashion Week

Listen, Teresa's pint-size daughter Gia certainly has "something." A je ne sais quoi for sure. But I doubt that Gia's audition, in which the eight-year-old strutted back and forth in a PR office like a street walker, projected the "right look" for New York Fashion week. And I doubt that the Think PR woman staring at the display of prepubescent vulgarity in horror was thinking that the child hooker gimmick was the "right look" for New York Fashion Week. And I doubt that any of the dozen producers, grips and cameramen who tried desperately to contain their cries and dry heaves at the inappropriate sight were thinking that Gia had the "right look" for New York Fashion Week.

But someone did, and no doubt greased the right hands, so that the little girl could later scream excitedly from her bubble gum-colored prison cell that she, Gia Giudice, would be walking in New York Fashion Week. Whatever that is.