Dancing with the Stars: What are the Judges Really Saying?

We usually take time each week to re-investigate Bruno Tonioli's criticisms on Dancing with the Stars. His effusive praise leads him into hurtful orgasms that induce a heart attack every single week. Serious stuff. This week we've decided to reevaluate fellow judges Len Goodman and Carrie Ann Inaba too, as their compliments and complaints often go unnoticed next to the bile-spewing barrage of Bruno. If you can handle the truth behind each judge's comments -- and video of each DWTS's pair of dances last night, including the "futuristic cha-cha-cha" pictured above -- venture forth.

· Chad Ochocinco

Tango Score: 21

'60s Jive Score: 24

Carrie Ann: "The intensity and the attack are great! Your posture... is fine! Your energy... unhinged! But have you seen Nicole Scherzinger? She like, dances."

Len: "Well! Two dances this week! That's always very hard to do, isn't it? It explains why you were terrible, even if it doesn't excuse it. Good try. To the pillories, thank you."

Bruno: "Nice emotions in your steps, yah-HA! Otherwise your frame and posture, it was like congealed Hershey's Chocolate masquerading as the fluid of lovers. Not so, I'm afraid. Meow to your perky chest anyway."

· Niecy Nash

Viennese Waltz Score: 23

'90s Paso Doble Score: 20

Carrie Ann: "You need to work on your transitions! You have a slight power imbalance with your partner. But you have so much joy. Yeah. Those are the qualities of a proud fifth-place finisher."

Len: "Pleasantly surprised! You didn't fall upside down like a cartoon character into the wood floor. Applause."

Bruno: "Niecy, Niecy! Scary mama. You really polished the floor with your S.O.S. scrub buns tonight. Fine form. Your assnastics are sharp. I wish you didn't waltz like wasps were sweeping in from the prairies to nest in your frigging huge cleavage. You know? I am teasing! Teasing! Kisses to you, m'dear. Don't come any closer, I'll get wasps on me."

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