In Memoriam: American Idol's Aaron Kelly
Fetus the Magnificent, come back to us! Little Aaron Kelly, known for his desperado twang and the amniotic sac he calls home, earned the least amount of votes on last night's Idol. You know what that means: Simon Cowell placed Aaron in a tube sock, spun the 17-year-old in a lariat over his head, and threw him from his balcony to some primary school kids outside his gates. "Merry Christmas, filthies!" he grumbled, stocking cap bobbing wildly. Now that Aaron has officially received fifth place, it's time to reflect upon his legacy, best moments, and the times he was almost born.
Legacy
While he never took full advantage of his age by wearing sailor-theme pajamas, a Mouse Detective costume, or a christening gown, Aaron Kelly paired adolescent angst with classic crooning. The kind of balladeer who needs your love -- and also needs you to burp him. His most resonant quality is the pervasive sadness in his voice, the kind of melancholy you earn after singing Rudy Vallee hits to nursing home residents for years. Come on, this kid is the star at Merciful Meadows Retirement Village. "There's Aaron Kelly, Mildred's grandkid! Aww. A nice boy. Wish he didn't hold the microphone like a penis."
What Could've Been
An encore performance of "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing" for next week's Film Songs challenge -- but edgier (Diane Warren on dulcimer). An emotional version of "Jesus Take The Wheel" where Aaron breaks down and confesses he only has a learner's permit. Clive Davis's pick of "Rubber Duckie" in the Final 2. Birth.
We Will Miss Most
His sweet, soulful renditions of "Angie" and "You've Got a Way." His charmingly horrible song choices like "I Believe I Can Fly," "Blue Suede Shoes," and, yes, "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing." Watching as Big Mike treated his trembling frame like a javelin. When Simon compared him to Justin Bieber because they look like mealworms from the same petri dish.
Closing Remarks
Aaron, you didn't stand a chance against Mama Sox, but unlike other finalists this year, you could drum up an actual career. Of course, you already know that since you placed as a finalist on America's Most Talented Kid. Sly little pageant prince. I'm sure you've got a Most Happenin' Preteen contest in Celebration, Florida to attend next. At any rate: Adieu, little person. Take a rest and find a personal utopia where the Happy Meals and Emperor's New Groove viewings never end.
Subscribe to the new Movieline on YouTube
Comments
American Idol's need to brag about 32 million
people voting every week is outrageous -- not
to mention that it's probably even illegal to
the outcome.
In fact, when it brags about 32 million voters
each week, it's actually talking about something
closer to 320,000 voters -- each willing to vote
100 times to look like 32 million voters.
This may speak to the wonders of technology
or the amazement of speed dialing or the
wonders of software, but it doesn't speak to
what this is supposed to be:
A SINGING COMPETITION
If all American Idol desires is to be able to
misrepresent the actual number of visitors,
viewers and voters it gets each week it should
find the way to do this that doesn't come at
the expense of contestants.
No, they're not enslaved and miserable, but
that's not to say they aren't away from home
and family for several months nor does it speak
to the enormous amount of hours they put into
their songs, group performances, rehearsals
and a lot more.
Unless I miss my guess, they're there hoping
to win, not lose, to win and as a winner to
be in a more likely position to launch a future
n the entertainment business. Certainly they
did not come to Hollywood as experimental
parts of a speed dialing contest.
What irony that Simon, Randy, Ellen and
Kara would consider being a part of a judges
group that guides these kids, knowing full well
that speed dialing -- not necessarily talent --
is the determinant in who wins.
I am calling our American Idol to change
this outrageous, stupid, unfair and possibly
even illegal system. Simon, Randy, Kara and
Ellen should refuse any longer to be a part of
it. What possible reason -- other than money --
would you be there if your judging and guidance
don't result in the growth of the performance
and therefore the garnering of votes that
launches "x" contestant to victory?
And don't say, "Everyone can vote just as many
times," because that's ridiculous. A 70 year
old grandma isn't going to sit for 2 hours
speed dialing. Her single vote may be taxing
beyond our imagination. It should count as
much as anyone else's vote -- no more, no less.
"What possible reason -- other than money -- would you be there if your judging and guidance don't result in the growth of the performance and therefore the garnering of votes that launches 'x' contestant to victory?"
I love commenters like you, answering your own questions. Makes life easier, quicker, cleaner.
Also: FEEEETUUUUUSSSSS!!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!!!
I'm pretty happy this week is over, and that this is season is almost over. Last night's elimination was probably the best of the year - Aaron should have gone weeks ago. I think it'll be Mike next week, Casey, then the final two - Lee and Crystal...http://thesmogger.com/2010/05/06/idol-hangover-meet-your-final-four/
Read more: http://tunedin.blogs.time.com/2010/05/06/idol-watch-when-harry-met-idol/#comment-32736#ixzz0nA8o5Ho7
I have to disagree with some of the fruity comments about Aaron, I was sorry to see hime leave, he might of been young but I give him an "A" and some of you will to in a couple of years, he will be having a great career ahead of him despite (holding the mike like a penis as one of you had mentioned) I guess it takes one to know right? I think Big Mike should go, he is totaly boring, Casey doesnt' know up from down without his guitar, I predict either Crystal or Lee winning the title of Americn Idol, I hope next year they will somehow improve the voting system, I beleive you have to vote 100 times for one person to count as one vote, this has turned into a voting contest instead of a singing competition! Best of luck Aaron!!!!
Good riddance, Idol has seen its better days (and better contestants), lets just put them all to sleep.
Fetus definitely needed more sleep in order to be born. That was the issue. (More mournfully:) That was the issue.
shame, okay I know the woman with the "hair" can sing, but she can only sing a couple of notes she is vey limited. she dont want to ,eave her kids, or her homelife. yep sounds like an Idol to me. YOU GO BIG MIKE.
Harry Hill's artwork is amazing, he wrote and illustrated a whole book about the dead Queen Mothers adventures in heaven!