The Hills Reality Check: Kristin's Coke Addiction and Spencer's Rage, Sponsored By Bud Light

If an episode of The Hills is titled after a romcom featuring Jennifer Aniston and Kevin Costner, it is probably even more meaningless than usual. Case in point: last night's "Rumor Has It," which featured Brody Jenner lugging around a case of Bud Light, Spencer drawing special powers from rocks and Heidi proclaiming that she aspires to have H cup breasts... because, you know, H stands for Heidi. After the jump, I'll dive into that extra-large dumpster called The Hills: Final Season to find the truthiest and fakest moments of the night. (Pinches nose and takes one last breath)

FALSE: Crystals Have Calmed Spencer Down

Last night, Spencer and Heidi bravely rejoined "the civilians" for a party thrown by Kristin Cavallari. Nervous, the pair entered with a crystal in hand that Spencer promptly launched at the event's host, explaining, "Crystals have really helped me calm down." Kristin replied, "Aw, Spencer you shouldn't have," while everyone ogled at Heidi's new figure ("She looks good," Brody conceded) and milled around a conspicuously positioned case of Bud Light.

Cut to five minutes later, when Spencer noticed his estranged sister approaching him with tears in her eyes. Still chilled-out from the crystals, Spencer opened his mouth -- and shouted, "That's why you're not in my life, you crazy bitch! Because you start crying in front of me and my wife. And I get crying sisters in front of me! What the f*ck do I need to do to you? [...] Here I am, talking about my sister who is... not... relevant... to... my... life!"

Even Spencer's hippie friend Charlie later explained, "I don't think those crystals are working, man. Because you're hyperventilating over here. You're red-faced. [...] Maybe take [the crystals] all off and look in the mirror." Truer words were not spoken in last night's episode.

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