Real Housewives of New Jersey Reality Check: 'You Put the C*nt in C*ntradiction'

Last night, the Real Housewives of New Jersey returned for their second season, proving once again that they are the stars of Bravo's Housewives franchise. After all, which other city boasts known mob connections, lessons from the old country ("You are not allowed to make red sauce when on your period because it'll spoil the tomatoes.") and catchphrases like "You put the c*nt in c*ntridiction?" Come on! So pull up a chair to Movieline's industrially reinforced dining room table -- we are not risking another flip this season -- as we pluck the truest and fakest moments from last night's episode, "Water Under the Table."

Before diving in, here is a quick primer on the New Jersey cast:

· Teresa looks like an Italian Jackie Onassis, flips tables when angry and frequently discusses her and her husband's sex life ("It's a known fact that if you have intercourse, that could bring on labor. So I'm scared because Joe and I have a very active sex life.").

· Dina and Caroline are sisters, separated by 12 years.

· Jacqueline is Dina and Caroline's sister-in-law and the only person who talks to Danielle.

· Danielle Staub is the black sheep of the group, who has been accused of kidnapping, prostitution and drug possession in a former life.

Now onto the winners of last night's Real/Fake Jackpot.

REAL: As Jacqueline Astutely Noted, the Housewives is Like a 60-Minute, Bravo-Sponsored 'High School Lunch Table'

Jacqueline, the wisest of the housewives returned last night to dispense truths via voice over because really, that is the only chance she gets to talk. The knowledge was dropped in between cuts of Caroline's $1,000/plate benefit, which was thrown to raise money for the sheriff and featured a special guest last evening -- New Jersey's Glenn Close doppelgänger.

NJGC (see right)

had insider information on Danielle because Danielle had brought her mother "a bowl of pasta after ankle surgery" once.

The women cackled over Danielle's shortcomings until NJGC revealed that the least favorite housewife actually owed her $400 -- a revelation which caused Caroline to climax in gossip stimulation overload.

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