Dancing with the Stars Bruno Tonioli Heart Attack Meter: Waltz Week

Niecy Nash

Score: 25

Our Response: Considering she was moving along to Cole Porter's hilariously strange "You're the Top," Niecy moved in a composed and elegant fashion -- even as lyrics like "You're Mickey Mouse!" and "You're cellophane!" poured at her.

Tonioli Response: "So. That was your best dance. So dainty. So fine. So...eh. Can we bring back Sweltering Brazilian Heatstroke Week? I didn't make that up, I SWEAR. I'm sorry, the sex level here is just not happening. Bobble the bobblers more next time, madam."

Tonioli Heart-Attack Meter: 3 (Gentle dryhump of parquee floor; falls asleep afterward)

Evan Lysacek

Score: 30. First perfect score of the season.

Our Response: Some serious tango. The nose bones and locked chins aligned at Pythagorean angles. Hawt. Movieline's forthcoming interview with him this morning must've invigorated him.

Tonioli Response: "Blank in the eyes and brazen in the butt! My absolute favorite. You moved like an alpha male out there. You are sleek, sultry, slappy, superfreaky, silly-hot, and so, so... sssssssss. You're everything that a girl would want. A girl named... Mrs. Bruno Ochocinco. Would you like to be an usher, little man?"

Tonioli Heart-Attack Meter: 9 (Heart flies out of chest and jabs Bruno in his new jawbone.)

Lady Gaga "Telephone" Cha-Cha, Starring Pamela Anderson, Chad Ochocinco, and Nicole Scherzinger

Score: 27

Our Response: No Beyonce cameo, but Pammy safely unleashed the naughty girl antics. Chad also soared, and Nicole Scherzinger is still allergic to mistakes. Quoth Nicole's second album title, this was "Doll Domination."

Tonioli Response: "There is a baaaaad romance going on between my brain... and my boing. It's complicated! SCORCHING. Deep meows and midnight licks to you all."

Tonioli Heart Attack Meter: 9 (Holds a paralyzed, crazed smile as blood spills from his sleeves)

Madonna "Holoday" Cha-Cha, Starring Evan Lysacek, Niecy Nash, and Erin Andrews

Score: 24

Our Response: Borderline boring! They should thank their lucky stars they were graded highly! Like a virgin trying to do the moves she saw on Real Sex.

Tonioli Respon
se: "Eh."

Tonioli Heart-Attack Meter: 3 (Naptime)

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