Dancing with the Stars Bruno Tonioli Heart Attack Meter: Waltz Week

Waltzes and quicksteps! So... horribly dorky. Luckily, Dancing with the Stars countered the schmaltz by sticking Lady Gaga karaoke and disco-stick rides at the end of the show. And of course, Bruno Tonioli almost suffered massive heart attacks after every performance. Time to revisit the six couples' routines, two cha-cha medleys (set to the music of Lady Gaga and Madonna), and our interpretations of Bruno's mad-horny comments. We also included our own opinions in case you're desperately seeking sanity.

Erin Andrews

Score: 27

Our Response: Lots of red pants and sparkles. It's an angry craft store out there.

Tonioli Response: "Oogah-boogah, smirking lady! A triumph! Your lines were tighter than my original jawbone. But ay-yiy-yiy, m'lady: Your shoulders tensed throughout! Don't let Maks's nipples trick you into hardening your sex moves. At any rate, purr to you, delicate aging puma."

Tonioli Heart-Attack Meter: 8 (Colorful arrhythmia, single face-smash against portrait of Rudolph Valentino.)

Chad Ochocinco

Score: 25

Our Response: Chad's legs wobbled during the Viennese Waltz -- but it's probably his best performance. Touchdown, etc.

Tonioli Response: "Gentle giant! I have some townspeople I'd like you to step on -- me and me and me and me! AHHH! Look out, perky, bare-assed Brunos! It's the Bodzilla! Ahh! I'm just kidding -- I surrender. (Rips open one-piece suit to reveal everything.)"

Tonioli Heart-Attack Meter: 8 (Severe palpitations, slot machine eyeballs, is already naked.)

Nicole Scherzinger

Score: 27

Our Response: A waltz set to the tune of "You Light Up My Life." If you didn't sharpen your remote control and then impale yourself with it, this was majestic.

Tonioli Response: "The standard is so high for you, quasi-ethnic dame! You are the finest music box ornament we've had, plus the second-best rump bandit since Chad Ochocinco just seconds ago! But you're so talented, several naked Chad Ochocinco's could fly out of your babydoll dress on little paper planes. While we're on the subject: MAKE THAT HAPPEN, BONITA! YAH-HA! You want to win, don't you?"

Tonioli Heart-Attack Meter: 7 (Popcorn jolts in the chest, restrains urge to turn a front handspring onto Tom Bergeron's shoulders)

Pamela Anderson

Score: 24

Our Response: Exhibiting the color and viscosity of Pepto-Bismol, our C.J. shined in the waltz. But in terms of chemistry, Pammy went a little clammy in the intimacy department.

Tonioli Response: "You always nail the character, Pam! What if the character was Chad Ochocinco? Am I right? But next time I want more of your chest pouting for independence as your partner motorboats you, OK? Bad job on that front today."

Tonioli Heart-Attack Meter: 6 (One round of the shivers, a slight charlie horse, girly yelp.)

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