Movieline Scorecard: Human Centipede Vs. Captain EO

CONJOINED, FURRY SIDEKICK

Captain EO: Idy and Ody (The Geex), the fuzzy, two-headed navigators of EO's spaceship.

Human Centipede: ThreeDog, Dr. Josef's experimental petipede.

Advantage: 'Pede. There was something profoundly affecting about the way Josef lingered on the photo of ThreeDog early on in Centipede, stroking the image of his lost companion. Meanwhile, the Geex look like something that Jim Henson would have stuffed in a burlap sack and tried to drown in the LA River, enraged that his engineers had been playing around with a stolen strand of Alf DNA.

NAUSEA FACTOR

Captain EO: The cutting-edge 3D visual effects of 1986 are vomit-inducing by 2010 standards. (OK, Avatar standards, not Clash of the Titans standards.)

Human Centipede: We shudder to think about what might happen if 3D technology ever fell into Tom Six's hands.

Advantage: 'Pede. Though we came closer to emptying our stomach's contents because of EO's blurrily rendered effects, we need to account for the incapacitating soul-heaves induced by Six's transgressive centiporn.

FASHION

Captain EO:

Human Centipede:

Advantage: EO. Look at those decorative studs, the finely crafted ribbing! A lab coat's not going to cut it, no matter how stylishly a deranged surgeon wears it.

STAR'S TRAGIC ADDICTION TO EXTREME SURGERY

Captain EO: Michael Jackson's horrifying conversion from handsome, high-cheekboned pop idol to removable-nosed, chemical-bleached ghoul has been exhaustively documented.

Human Centipede: Dr. Josef's obsession with the transformative power of the knife was turned outward, with transgressive, harrowing results.

Advantage: Even.

MEDICAL ACCURACY

Captain EO: In science fiction, the rules are often rewritten in the name of dramatic expediency.

Human Centipede: 100%.

Advantage: 'Pede.

VIOLATION OF SOCIETAL NORMS

Captain EO: It probably gets very lonely on that starship, and with only an elephant, robot, and shaggy, duel-headed Fraggle for companionship, there seems a pretty high probability of interspecies fraternization.

Human Centipede: This movie was meticulously designed to bring about the end of society. (Unless your idea of society includes keeping people sewn together at the mouth and anus for pets. And it may! We're not here to judge you.)

Advantage: 'Pede.

FINAL TALLY:

Captain EO: 4

Human Centipede: 5

While EO made a s
tronger than expected showing, in the end there's just no beating the 'Pede. Better luck next time, Disney!

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