23 Questions About Lost Episode 611, "Happily Ever After," Answered!

If self-destructive-junkie-flash-sideways Charlie were to give a speech to Desmond about what it's like to meet your True Love, what might that sound like?

It would probably involve a revelation about trying to swallow a bag of heroin in an airplane bathroom, and, as that bag became lodged in his throat because of some inopportune turbulence, he sees some hot blonde chick, whom he knows from somewhere, and he knows they're together somehow, and they've always been together and always will be together, but then right as he's about to choke to death on that baggie of horse, some sodding idiot brings him back to life. Also, he might throw in something about secretly being the father of Claire's skullbaby, if Desmond doesn't make a flip comment about writing a song about his brush with love.

When Charlie grabs the wheel of Desmond's car, why doesn't Desmond just step on the brake, instead of allowing the Charlie to steer it into the harbor?

Because if they didn't submerge that car underwater, how would we get that amazing scene where a drowning Charlie presses his palm against the window, flashing us back to his sacrificial death in Season 3 when he wrote NOT PENNY'S BOAT on his hand in Sharpie, giving us a mind-blowing moment of convergence between the flash-sideways and the island realities?

Do you think that Desmond's maybe a tiny bit tired of always having to save Charlie from the machinations of a universe that clearly wants him dead?

It's probably getting a bit tedious, but anything's better than sitting in a bunker and typing numbers into a computer every 108 minutes. Especially when that computer's too old to even play Tetris in between his data entry duties.

How whipped is Widmore that he seems terrified at the prospect of telling flash-sideways wife Eloise that Desmond failed to deliver Drive Shaft for Little Danny's charity concert?

Hey, this is a woman who killed her own son a couple of seasons back. Even though she shrugged off the Drive Shaft disappointment this time (eh, she's never been a fan), who knows how that insane harpy's going to react? She could go nuts and bust up that prized sailboat model in his office again. Better to get her what she wants than risk the consequences.

You mean how she went off on Desmond for asking to see the "confidential" guest list for her charity event?

Exactly! Cross her, and the next thing you know she's making ominous pronouncements about "violations" and "not being ready" and giving threatening orders to STOP LOOKING for things you don't understand. She's got a hair-trigger, that one. And she knows things. [circles finger slowly around temple, makes cuckoo noises]

What's all that crazy scribbling in Daniel's dream journal?

He has no idea, he's just a simple musician with a dream of putting a middling rock band on stage with a string section. But his nerd friends tell him he's filled it up with some super-advanced quantum physics equations that only someone with a lifetime of study would be able to understand. And that when solved, these equations reveal that he's supposed to nail the cute redhead who works in the museum and keeps teasing him by seductively eating chocolate bars. Science!

If a strange, wild-eyed man approached you late at night in an empty stadium where you were exercising, would you a) immediately blow your rape whistle, hoping to catch the attention of a security guard or other passer-by; b) mace/taser him when he invaded your personal space; c) shake his hand, placing yourself in peril if this seemingly charming guy was actually a psychotic killer who preys on women in isolated places?

"a," then "b." But if he has a Scottish accent, then "c." If he's a killer, why would he bother coming all the way to Los Angeles from Scotland? Seems like there would be plenty of victims for him back home without the hassle of murdering internationally.

But what do you do if the guy suddenly faints upon shaking your hand?

You agree to a coffee date for that same night. He's obviously so taken with you that he can't possibly be dangerous. And should he try anything funny on your date, at least there will be a barista around to scald him with hot espresso.

Does a driver have access to the passenger manifests for a commercial airline?

He does if he's the obsequious driver for an inscrutable billionaire's favorite fixer. Maybe it's better to think of him as the Concierge of the Seemingly Impossible.

After George says he can get him the manifest, does Desmond say, "I want to show him something," or "I want to show them something"?

He's too mumbly to determine the word, even after several attempts on the DVR. It it's "him," does he mean he wants to show something to Charlie about the hot blonde dreamgirl he saw while choking on his drugs? If it's "them," does he want to show it to everyone on the list? TUNE IN NEXT WEEK AND WE MAY FIND OUT THE SECRETS OF THE SECRET OCEANIC 815 PASSENGER LIST!

We miss Michael. Is he coming back?

Waaaaaallllllttttt! (Yes, according to the "scenes from upcoming episodes.")

Who's got the copy of Booty Babes?

Ben still hasn't returned it to the library tent. And Hurley's getting pissed. A guy can only meet his needs with comic books so many times before even the bustiest, spandex-clad superheroines won't do it for him anymore. Stopping hogging the porn, bro!

Seriously though. The Short Circuit guy really has an Oscar?

You go save some dolphins, and then you can come back here and bring up the movie where the cute robot comes alive after it's hit by lightning, OK, wise guy? We already told you to lay off.

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