5 Things You Won't Be Seeing In The New Navy Seals

One of the funniest moments in Kevin Smith's Clerks -- back when the New Jersey native was a breath of fresh air rather than the world's most prominent Tweetulence sufferer, and back before movie references were the default setting for young comic characters -- had Randall recounting the idiocy he encountered in video-store customers. "They always pick the most intellectually devoid movie on the racks," he says. That's when a dumb-ass walks into the store, scans the shelves and squeals in delight: "Ooooooh -- Navy SEALS!" And what better recommendation for a remake? Hell, Smith might even get around to Clerks 3 and weave the line back in. So meta. But here are five things you won't see in the new Navy Seals movie.

1. Charlie Sheen

He's earning $900,000 an episode so he's just not that into movies, unless you're Oliver Stone or want to lure him into endorsing your 9/11 conspiracy theories. That said, the role of Lt Dale Hawkins seems modeled on Sheen at the time, from him being introduced hungover and face down in the surf moaning ,"Where the fuck am I?", to the weird bit about 50 minutes in where has an unexplained wet spot on his ass. Who can take over this role? Someone has to but Taylor Lautner's got a way to go -- down -- before he's ready.

2. A Totally Middling Middle-Eastern Enemy

In the original flick Team "Bad Karma" have to rescue a US Navy chopper crew held captive by generic Middle-Eastern terrorists and later destroy a bunch of Stinger missiles. Yawn. In the wake of 9/11, Iraq and Afghanistan -- not to mention Iron Man -- the new Navy Seals will have to do baddies bigger, better and, well, badder.

3. Religious/Cultural Intolerance

That said, a more realistic and nastier enemy still won't justify a script where our hero cheerfully refers to those of Middle Eastern extraction as "rag heads" or Mexicans as "wetbacks". On the other end of the religious spectrum, the original has Bill Paxton as "God", the team's sniper. Producers operating in 2010 don't want to be courting cranky Christians either.

4. Disrespect For the SEALS

The 1990 version was co-written by former-real life SEAL Chuck Pfarrer, who claims some of the events are based on things he'd done. Odd then that it shows our soldiers leaving dead buddies behind -- something that the outfit prides itself on never having done since it was formed by JFK.

5. That Hair

Obviously.