The Hills is Dead

Sometimes, you know when an animal is about to die because it withdraws from you out of shame, finding an ignoble, lonely place to pass away. The Hills has kind of done that, too, skulking off to a lower-rated corner of MTV even as it gradually lost its heroine, its blank-eyed Girl Friday, and its certifiably insane, villainous snowman. Now, Animal Control has officially been called, and The Hills has been put down.

Said Tony DiSanto, MTV's president of programming:

"We are lucky and honored to have worked with this cast and tell their stories for this long, and we are grateful to the many dedicated fans who have stuck with us over the years. We owe it to those fans, the cast and the show to go out on a high note. And this season will deliver on that goal in terms of drama, story, real emotion and an organic culmination of this saga."

If DiSanto really means that, The Hills had better employ a Six Feet Under-style finale that somehow flashes ahead to show our characters' fates. Heidi Montag, at 50, will have given up on plastic surgery to adopt an Iron Man-like outer shell that she repaints every month in the style of her latest Us Weekly cover. Brody Jenner, at 65, will controversially marry his cougar mother, giving her the youth-seeking validation she had always wanted. Stephanie Pratt, at 80, will ask the rest home nurse why Justin Bobby doesn't visit. "There never was a Justin Bobby," the nurse will say. "You were talking to thin air."