Some Helpful Advice For Jay Leno On His First Night Back At The Tonight Show

Practice your high-fives.

Your opening lap around the audience to feel the satisfying sensation of flesh striking flesh (throwing in the even more intimate finger-grab, like a hug for the hand!) has become something of a trademark. Don't botch it. If you jog out into the stands, flailing palms finding nothing but foreheads and, God forbid, the bouncing cleavage of an excited fan, you'll be starting off with a deficit of worshipful goodwill. Take some time today to gather the staff and do a full run-through, regaining your advanced feel for a crisply delivered expression of your regular-guyness.

Book Jimmy Kimmel as a "surprise guest" and generate some buzz.

Kimmel's humiliating dismantling of you on your own show was arguably your lowest point of the entire Late Night Wars fiasco. It was also the best segment that ever aired on The Jay Leno Show. Recapture some of that electricity by beaming in ABC's upstart competitor via satellite for another round of awkwardness; in theory, you'll be better prepared to spar this time, perhaps even managing a halfway decent retort when Kimmel accuses you of having personally demolished Conan's Tonight Show set just to make sure he couldn't make a last-minute comeback.

Watch out for Letterman.

Yes, you flew to New York to film that Super Bowl promo (under a shroud of secrecy so total your own executives thought Dave had managed a sit-down with the President), ostensibly signaling a truce between the two of you. But now that you'll be locked in nightly combat once again, he'll be gunning for you as the wounds from your decade of ratings dominance reopen. Be ready with some fresh jabs about his personal life, which no one cares about anymore but you can use to score easy points, shrugging away complaints of nastiness by explaining as your voice cracks with indignation, "Hey, he started it! Don't blame me, I'm not the one porking my assistants. Oops! Did it again. But he did pork his assistants. Look it up. What?"

Remember to have fun with it!

You won! Consider this second Tonight Show tenure over the next a well-deserved victory lap. Don't try too hard, take care of yourself, and you could hang on to the gig well into your 90s, lovably stumbling through interviews with Kingsian aplomb. It's not like they're ever going to give Fallon a shot.

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