Movieline Justice Dept.: Suggested Punishments For The Hurt Locker's Oscar Campaign Violations

On-Air Humiliation

To demonstrate that they realize the race-compromising magnitude of sending that inappropriate e-mail, the entire Hurt Locker team should be forced to introduce a show-stalling montage of Oscar's Most Overblown Campaign Scandals. The extra five minutes tacked on to the telecast's running time will not only enrage thoroughly uninterested home viewers, but serve to remind the Academy members in the audience about how outraged they were that time Gwyneth Paltrow cornered a dozen voters after a Shakespeare in Love screening and prattled on about her deep personal connection to Twelfth Night for two straight hours. And in the event of a Hurt Locker Best Picture win, their statuettes will be presented wearing tiny paper bags on their heads, a symbolic reminder of the shame they've brought upon the Academy's tradition of awarding their highest honor to only the most halo-polishingly virtuous of Hollywood citizens.

Behind The Governors' Eight Ball

Whether attending as Oscar victors or freshly vanquished also-rans, the producers will be confined to the corner of the ballroom furthest from the door from which trays of still-piping-hot appetizers emerge, restricting their nosh-access to only the most picked-over puffs of vegan crab substitute and cold Hot Pocket skewers. Accordingly, they'll be seated at the room's least desirable dinner table, with Academy tsk-tskers laughing each time a swinging kitchen door slams into Chartier's chair like a righteous, rebuking paddle-stroke from God Himself. You shouldn't have sent that e-mail!, they'll hiss at the edge of earshot, as the Locker team does its best to celebrate their (ill-gotten!) victory or drown their (self-inflicted!) loss with off-brand liquor. You shouldn't have sent that e-mail.

[The Hurt Locker Illustration: Tavis Coburn]

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