Lamentations for American Idol's Four Eliminated Contestants

Instead of delving on the petty theatrics of last night's American Idol (and Kris Allen's almost-a-gwownup scruff), it seems more productive to reflect upon what we've lost: four contestants who wore above-average mall clothes. They were polite scamps, even shampooed, but none of them brought the haymaker vocals that a vain dreamweaver like David Geffen could love. Still, someone has to give these four also-rans proper eulogies.

Janell Wheeler

I Will Miss Most: Your first name was missing a final "e," like Dian Parkinson, the Price is Right model who sued Bob Barker. Devious! To me, at least.

What Could've Been: A bleating cover of Roxette's "Listen to Your Heart" that Ellen DeGeneres could've called "fine," and "pretty good, for a music fan like me."

Eulogy: You looked like Scarlett Johansson. Coincidentally, your version of "What About Love" had me adopting a decrepit Tom Waits grimace. But anyway. You look like Scarlett Johannson. Rave on.

Joe Munoz

I Will Miss Most: Your ability to take Jason Mraz's music out of the reggae-lite, Abercrombie & Fitch Muzak arena, and properly reintroduce it with crooning authority, and without a stupid hat.

What Could've Been: A lady-killing rendition of "Friends in Low Places" during country week? I don't know? It would've been fine.

Eulogy: We didn't learn your name until last week. I still had to look it up today. But I looked you up, is the point. Those 18 seconds are for you and your legend.

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