5 Things Learned from the Trailer for Jessica Simpson's Reality Show The Price of Beauty

Jessica Simpson is the Dian Fossey of foreign fat people, VH1 confirms. The onetime pop sensation's new reality series The Price of Beauty (premiering March 15) follows her as she visits different cultures and learns their kooky standards for attractiveness. If you forget the condescension and feigned interest in other organisms, Jessica Simpson proves in the The Price of Beauty's trailer that we have plenty to learn -- if only we'd put down the tabloids and pick up our sunglasses, camera crew, and other safari gear.

(This trailer comprises NY Post and Popsugar's offerings.)

1. The idea "fat is beautiful" deserves a laugh.

When Simpson visits Uganda and a curator explains that "fat is beautiful" there, our globetrotting troubadour giggles and yells "Wow!" Just like Columbus.

2. One of her biggest fears is runway modeling.

She says it herself: "That is a huge fear of mine." Relax. Stare straight ahead. Snarl. Pretend that you're surrounded by a beautiful waterfall and the man of your -- er, just the waterfall. Smize!

3. You and your Beverly Hills posse fit in with the natives when you wear differently colored variations on the same "authentic" dress.

Ugandan women believe American pop stars don't seem patronizing when they wear brightly colored "tribal" dresses, gawk at each other for cameras, and are visibly stunned by everything. National Geographic confirms it on page look over there.

4. Being a Japanese woman is silly.

Look as Simpson kneels at the table -- in full Geisha regalia -- and then topples over in laughter. Memoirs of a Good Time is more like it. Hit us with a despicable joke, Jay Leno.

5. Nothing makes a Brazilian feel beautiful like wearing Folies Bergère gear every day.

Commoners, presidential wives, futbol moms, whatever: In Brazil, you wear feathered leotards, masks, and body glitter, and you find a way to feel attractive. No one had to reach deeper to find an inner morsel of pseudo-attractiveness like obvious wretch Josephine Baker.