American Idol Recap: Girl, You'll Be a Loser Soon

The Losers

Paige Miles sounded like dogs. She botched "All Right Now," and I resented when Simon said she had the best voice in the competition. Kara mistook herself for a playable character in Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 3 when said, "You have a ridiculous voice" and "You slayed those verses." What kind of Billabong-sponsored absinthe dream was she having? No, Kara: Paige will not Indy-grab over the half-pipe tonight. No more mentions of "ridiculous" and "slaying" in 2010, thanks, and no more criticisms from The Complete Bam Margera Thesaurus.

Lacey Brown made the artistic decision to beat the crap out of Stevie Nicks last night, assuming that Taylor Swift's Grammy performance didn't finish her off. Her version of "Landslide" made it seem like she actually saw faces in the snow-covered hills -- but because she'd been struck by a poison dart. It was very much time to die, like in Gorillas in the Mist. Also: The word "landside" (sic) was uttered at some point. Knowing the title of the song is often the key to victory, I find. Lacey should start there and work her way up.

Haeley Vaughn cannot smile her way out of this pitch dungeon. She took on the Beatles' "I Want to Hold Your Hand" and screamed the entire song. When is it cool to take a Beatles song and turn it into a Raffi baa-baa-black-sheep lullaby? I think this was even worse than "Landslide," and only Simon seemed to acknowledge that. He and I, we have something. Childhood traumas and a fear of interpersonal communication, maybe

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