American Idol Recap: Girl, You'll Be a Loser Soon

American Idol needs to be like Project Runway. Simon Cowell needs to order the best and worst singers to stand in rows and justify their choices, like toddlers who've peed themselves behind the couch. He should reduce his criticisms to Klum-level quips like, "I just don't understand." Randy Jackson needs to tell contestants like Ashley Rodriguez that covering a Leona Lewis song is "tacky and ill-fitting," and guest-judges Ellen DeGeneres and Kara DioGuardi must be replaced by Diane von Furstenberg and empty space. Most importantly: Every contestant requires a firm mentor with pearly hair, and fast. What a grim evening! I pick the night's top and bottom performances after the jump.

The Top Dawgs

Didi Benami didn't budge Simon's albatross pucker with her rendition of "The Way I Am," but he was an ungrateful wanker to say her rasp could've been replaced by any Adele/Duffy knockoff. For shame! Luckily, Kara underwent a jarring character shift when she gave Didi the kind of correct criticism: "I think you made some changes to the song, and it shows you're creative." Cry-sing to our cry-lives, Didi!

Crystal Bowersox simultaneously plays the guitar AND harmonica AND her voice AND the ponies AND Pog slammers. That's why it was both appropriate and a little trite when she chose the guitar-and-harmonica come-down jam "Hand in My Pocket." The judges kept telling Michelle Delamor that no one compares to Alicia Keys, but I think Alanis Morissette is even more difficult to follow up. Still, Bowersox tackled the cigarettes-and-high-fives ode with aplomb, and America shows its appreciation by throwing a bound-and-gagged Dave Coulier at her.

Siobhan Magnus sang Chris Isaak's "Wicked Game," meaning she knows the aural beauty of needing Helena Christensen's sandy, black-and-white breasts against your ribcage forever. She also wears a flower in her hair, and that's where it gets a little stupid for me. "Wicked Game" was a smart choice, and she's got that longing, Linda Ronstadt trill that I need in a teenage balladeer/part-time role model.

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