American Idol Recap: The Top 24's Pros, Cons, and Forays Into Wizard Hair

Ladies and ladyboys, your top 24! What a long, mantis-necked trip it's been. The important thing isn't whether any of the newest success stories are surprises (which is lucky, because there are no surprises here), but whether we even like these people at all. Idol blew through these 17 wins in 60 minutes, so let's see if we can judge them in even less time. How about, say, four minutes?

Janell Wheeler

Pros: Enacts an Ashlee Simpson-lipsync jig when being selected for the Top 24; tolerates Ellen DeGeneres''s epic-poet roundabout "yes" like a champ; sang "American Boy" without it sounding like the "Tonight, You're a Star" Lounge at the Days Inn in Billings.

Cons: Said to the judges, "I don't think anything is harder than American Idol." I don't want Janell on my "Outburst!" team if she can't come up with one possible thing.

Tyler Grady

Pros: Wears foxy jeans; will make a stupid Mick Jagger face on command; facial angles are hot, mathematically. (Work it out on a TI-83.)

Cons: I am not sure he has ever sung a song before. Does he want to be a singer? Does he just want to seem like he'd up for taking over as lead singer of Jet? Also: Could be unstable and dumb.

Jermaine Sellers

Pros: Vaudevillian showmanship; hails from Joliet, IL, meaning he has spent most of his life crooning near a towering penitentiary; sings Joan Osbourne songs because he understands I have problems giving up 1995.

Cons: I liked the other Jermaine better. The levels of jermajesty didn't even seem comparable.

Lacey Brown

Pros: Lovely voice suitable for the oeuvre of Colbie Caillat (which I think is an Idol standard now, for better or for worse); hair is an endearing "edgy campus tour guide" red-orange.

Cons: Low-key. She needs to coruscate, and thus far she just makes Easter chick gurgles and seems uncomfortable without a bonnet.

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