9 Islands Schlockier Than Martin Scorsese's Shutter Island
6. House Of The Dead (2003)
After his passable English-language debut in 2002 supernatural thriller Blackwoods, German director Uwe Boll established his infamy among fanboys with this diabolical video game adaptation. The plot has it that a bunch of club kids hire Jurgen Prochnow and Clint Howard to take 'em to an island rave. Turns out, the party's already over -- thanks not to bad ecstasy but to the zombie-fying immortality experiments of a crackpot Spanish mad scientist! All that's left is for our gang of acting-challenged douches and douchettes to attempt line-readings as they blow the heads off the undead hordes. To spruce things right up, Boll includes actual first-person shooter footage from the video game. Amazingly enough, it wasn't Game Over for Boll after this.
5. Swept Away (2002)
Madonna and then-hubby Guy Ritchie's remake of the 1974 Italian original came across like a vanity project engineered by a couple not aware of their secret self-loathing and mutual antipathy. In Amber, the toxically narcissistic billionaire harpy floating around the Mediterranean with her equally loathsome asshole buddies, Madonna at least found a role that seemed to suit her. Her belittling of her boat's lowly crewmate Giuseppe, whose working-class loins she lusts after, also didn't seem much of a stretch. Pity then that after these two are washed ashore and go through the requisite hate-to-love routine, Madonna's character softens and her believable performance softens into smoochy moments whose sincerity is rivaled by the work done by bits of driftwood in the corner of the frame. Ritchie does his missus no favors, staging the supposedly sexy scenes like a parody of a shampoo ad, and frequently bathing his inamorata in magic-hour grading so she looks like an over-pumped and possibly hepatic supporting player on The Simpsons.
4. Return To The Blue Lagoon (1991)
No-one demanded it and Brooke Shields, Christopher Atkins and director Randall Kleiser refused to be again washed up on its shores. But that didn't stop director William A. Graham, whose career had previously focused on TV movies about the likes of Mussolini, Jim Jones and Howard Hughes, from enlisting teens Milla Jovovich and Brian Krause in another queasy plot involving pseudo-siblings' slow but inevitable graduation to steamy lovin'. At least they have the decency to stage a beach wedding before giving in to their desires, which are realized in soft-core PG-13 porn that, laughably, includes cut-away shots to fishing.
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I love the idea that Michael Bay had to pay out to "The Clonus Horror", the settlement had to eclipse the original take on release. Hard to argue this list too much, though i might have shoehorned "6 Days, 7 Nights", or the remake of "The Island of Dr. Moreau" into the list.
They're not trying to "escape" from The Island. They're trying to escape from Merrick's facility to a place they're told is called The Island. It does not actually exist.
Also, Dreamworks was responsible for the creation of The Island and Dreamworks was the one who paid out the settlement, not Bay. He just directed it.
A Rose - you're right, and I've amended the story. I blame Transformers 2 for eroding giant chunks of my memory. Thanks for reading and commenting.
And Mr Martini Shark, definito on Dr Moreau. Just seemed so much of a given I wanted to devote its space to something more/less deserving.
and It's Alive III: Island of the Alive
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0093286/
Wow, that dude did indeed bust out with some good films??
Jerry
http://www.privacy-tools.de.tc
How is this a "B-movie convention"? It's based on a Dennis Lehane novel and Scorsese is directing it. "Author" Michael Adams can start using such phrases when he writes a novel half as good as Lehane or directs a movie half as good as Scorsese. Until then, STFU.
You left off Dinosaur Island.
An army captain is flying three misfit deserters home for a court martial when the plane has engine trouble and they must land on an uncharted island. There they find a primitive society of cave women who routinely sacrifice virgins to appease The Great One, the top dog dinosaur on the the island. Mistaken for gods, the men must destroy The Great One or face death, but meanwhile they fall in love.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0109627/
Copy that, Michael. Between Brando's grand entrance and that midget on the piano I still have no idea what was going on, but it looked like Kilmer had no idea himself. Cherished cinema that.
Here's Dennis Lehane on what he set out to do with Shutter Island:
"So I was riffing off that in terms of the gothic, and then in terms of the pulp was where I went into my ‘50s B-movies, like Don Siegel’s Invasion of the Body Snatchers and Samuel Fuller’s Shock Corridor; and arguably one of my five favorite movies of all time, The Manchurian Candidate. Not the book – I’m not gonna be a literary snob on that one. I’ve never read the book. I’m just a fanatic about Frankenheimer’s film. And Anthony Shaffer’s The Wicker Man. Not the horrendous remake, but the original from 1973."
Fantastic article! I really couldn't agree more. I had quite a few issues with "Shutter Island" - primarily Scorsese's attempt to turn very predictable entertainment into some gothic film-noir. But anyway...Nice job 🙂
I'm a realistic illustration of a everyday chick,I really like food and gentlemen and coziness. It is just that sometimes, the unending prattle of fashion has grown to become a shout with my head. I just can't underrate it's idiocies anylonger,I walk past a store that has for sale 6in heels and I am just angry,Banana Republic? Mad just as before, Selfridges and it is loathsome "I shop therefore I am" advertising campaigns, a manifesto for morons? Try not to even go there. I've had it with that tyrant fool tossing darts from every billboard and periodical and Tv screen.I wish to chuck a spear back.
Excellent! Ahmadinejad did us a favor! While we frantically delude ourselves into believing this guy (and the ones who applaud him) are fit to be thought of as good everyday people, he spits in our face to remind us that we all are (just as before) fooling our self.
Hungarian officials recalculate amount of harmful sludge avalanche, announcing it's more or less as much as Gulf oil spill, incredible!!!!!!!!!!
I'd been a Professor at the Terribly Corrupt U . s University of Iraq... Prior to the Neocons Terminated Me!!!!
I am just in awe that they can allow Margarito back after just a year suspension for what he did. This isn't the 1st time he's been accused of this, but it's the first time he has been caught. Luis Resto went to prison and got banned forever for what he did. Margarito basically did the same thing, but he got caught before he could get in the ring and almost/kill some one. This scumbag does this and then gets a title shot with the best P4P boxer on the earth, such a disgrace.
This is probably the top so far of the Narnia films! Rich in action and adventure, really humorous scenes where Eustace's attitude and twisted face provide many laughs, and spiritual symbolism that is so rich -- this film is a total success! I loved Reepicheep's courage and dignity, and the virtue in spite of struggle of the Pevensies. Aslan comes through in the lives of people he loves in his perfect timing. Jam-packed with special effects, this movie is visually gorgeous and will be an excellent film for families with tweens and teens! My teenage daughter loved it too -- we attended a special preview screening last week. I'm definitely going to recommend this film to all of the families I know, and I can't wait to see it again .
Lindsay Lohan's body is incredible but if I had the choice between her or Avril Lavigne, I think my choice would be the latter...
Dominique Strauss-Kahn... DSK of the IMF... can I say how great it is to hear about a banker in trouble and we don't have to bail him out LOL!