23 Questions About Lost Episode 604, Answered!

Even as Lost's battered Volkswagen bus hurtles down the grassy hill of its final season and towards the precipice of primetime oblivion, its corpulent, floppy-haired driver white-knuckling his way through the ride as corpses pile up in the back, the show still seems determined to raise as many questions as it resolves. Please hit the jump and join us as we tackle 23 new queries arising from last night's episode, "The Substitute." [As always, MORE SPOILERS than you can shake a sandy corpse at. DVR-impaired Losties, beware.]

If the wheelchair ramp on Locke's minivan malfunctions, it shouldn't be too hard for him to just jump the chair, Evel Knievel-style, onto his lawn, right?

Don't do it! It seemed like a short jump, but Locke might as well have been jumping the Grand Canyon in a shopping cart with a bum wheel.

Fair enough, but if he's going to try anyway because he's too proud to ask for help, how many absurd indignities can Locke suffer in a single scene?

After his lift jammed, forcing him to attempt an ill-advised jump from its ramp onto his lawn, Locke spilled forward from his wheelchair, flailed through a pile of banana peels, rolled over a dozen rakes, and then, just as he parted his lips to issue the world-weary sigh of the beaten man, his mouth was filled with the hateful payload of curiously timed lawn-sprinklers. But at the precise moment he reached for his collapsed chair, ready to put these harrowing trials behind him, a school bus full of his soon-to-be-revealed students sped by, spraying filthy gutter-water in his face and filling his ears with the cruel taunts of spoiled children. As he took his seat back in the chair, he wondered why those kids on the bus were all carrying noisy New Year's party-favors to shake at him as he lay helplessly in the grass, but after a fruitless moment of contemplation, he just shrugged and headed for the front door. Because sometimes there aren't any satisfying answers.

What are the odds of a paralyzed man who's always struggled to accept his disability running into a miracle-working spinal surgeon who claims nothing is irreversible?

Hey, Helen, chill out. Crazy things happen at the baggage claim! For example, the airline lost that spinal surgeon's dead father's body. So let's not overthink the serendipity of meeting this guy, OK?

How cool was the SmokeMonsterCam?

Pretty damn cool. Though it would've been cooler if Smokey had just wrapped itself around Richard's trapped body like a giant fist and yanked it out of the tree, rather than picking up a machete, resuming Locke-form, then simply cutting him down. Don't be afraid to show off a little, Smokester!

Why didn't Locke at least register for the conference on his boondoggle trip to Australia so he might have even the flimsiest of cover stories when his boss started wondering how the "business trip" went?

He's obviously not all that excited about working at the box company anymore. The cardboard game's a lot tougher than it looks.

Would SmokeLocke like to apologize to Richard Alpert for roughing him up a little in the season premiere?

Yes, he would. He's sorry for hitting him in the throat and dragging him across the beach. He's got a bit of a temper sometimes.

So why does SmokeyManInBlack look like Locke now?

Because Locke was a candidate. Rather, was a candidate.

Is that like being claimed?

Ugh, stop! "Claimed" was last week's mysterious jargon. This week we're all about candidates. Try and keep up.

If Ben Linus told you where all these dead bodies inside the Statue Annex came from, is there a reasonable chance you wouldn't believe him?

We'd say "a fairly reasonable chance."

Can't he tell us anyway?

Fine. So the guy who looks like Locke, but isn't Locke, turned into a pillar of black smoke and killed them before Ben's eyes. Happy now, Ilana?

Where did Sawyer get an Iggy and The Stooges record on the island?

There's a pretty sweet Sam Goody in The Shoppes at the Otherville Barracks, right between the Zales Outlet and the Supercuts. Great vinyl selection.

What, if anything, does Sawyer care about?

He doesn't give a damn if SmokeLocke's dead, or time-traveling, or the Ghost of Christmas Past. All he cares about is this whiskey. (OK, he's a little drunk, but cut him some slack. He's grieving!)

But what if SmokeLocke told him he was the person who could answer the most important question in the world? Would Sawyer care about that?

Yeah, he'd care, but only if the question is "Why are you on this island?" and not anything about this dude who looks like Locke being a Dickensian spectre. He's already said he ain't interested in that.

Pages: 1 2