Say Whaaaa? Ebert Assailed, Garner Arouses and the Rest of the Week's Most Unbelievable Crap

It wouldn't be Valentine's Day without a visit from the Say Whaaaa? Singers, who've dropped by with their incredulous message of love for some of the weirdest, dumbest, most outlandish and/or altogether baffling newsmakers of the week. Hey! Guys! Let John Mayer explain, will you? Ugh, this could get ugly.

5. Katzenbergs! Will! Whine!

Hey, look -- we found the one thing DreamWorks Animation boss Jeffrey Katzenberg apparently doesn't know about the coming 3-D revolution: Other studios might want a bigger piece of the pie. Katzenberg reportedly fired off an angry e-mail to his Warner Bros. counterparts after they moved Clash of the Titans back a week to convert it to 3-D, which compromises DWA's release strategy for How to Train Your Dragon. Those Warners execs didn't have to CC Movieline for us to know their reply: Say whaaaa?

4. Alec Baldwin's "misunderstanding"

Following Alec Baldwin's late-night expedition to a NYC emergency room, rumors exploded that the actor -- who'd acknowledged suicidal thoughts in the past -- had swallowed an unhealthy amount of pills. But! Not really, said his publicist, whose explanation concerned a "misunderstanding on one person's part" (his 14-year-old daughter, with whom he'd been fighting, called 9-1-1 after finding him "unresponsive"). Then that morphed into pointing a finger at Baldwin's ex Kim Basinger, which begat some gossip about "Kim's sickness"... Say whaaaa? Unless Baldwin's going to make this whole thing into a scathing voicemail we can enjoy for years on end, let's just put it behind us and get ready for the Oscars, deal?

3. Roger Ebert vs. the Right

Conservative movie Web site Big Hollywood is well-known for its tradition of tasteful, informed film commentary by the likes of Carlos Koslowski and Victoria Jackson. It extended (or maybe make that "overextended") that tradition this week with not one, not two, but three whole broadsides against Roger Ebert, whose tweet addressing right-wing "Tea Partiers" as "TeaBaggers" became a shitshow of Ebert health jokes, circular logic and heavily manufactured "populist" outrage. Sharper minds than mine have parsed the crisis about as definitively as it gets, but I'm all for the succinct, fail-safe response to Big Hollywood and its reader comments like, "I hope he died."Say whaaaa?

2. John Mayer OD's on douche

Surely by now you've rolled your eyes at the gratuitous stupidity and coarseness of John Mayer's new Playboy Interview. But have you really let out a good Say whaaaa? yet at his comments about his "white supremacist" penis and "N***er Pass" that keeps him close with the black community? Go ahead, let it out. And no, John, the Say Whaaaa? Singers do not accept your tearful apology.

1. Jennifer Garner's Talking Points

This week Movieline suggested Julia Roberts has successfully navigated that most treacherous of paths for any A-list actress -- the one from being America's sweetheart to its fun, drunk aunt. But that took years. Ingenues looking for a shortcut to such perky pop-culture oblivion would do well to look instead to Roberts's Valentine's Day co-star Jennifer Garner. In less than 24 hours, Garner masterfully baffled both the Letterman and Good Morning America audiences into Say whaaaa? shellshock. It was like the Hiroshima and Nagasaki of crazy -- this week, anyway. (Bonus points to Garner's accomplice Jessica Biel, who, but for a relatively lucid Letterman appearance of her own, may have made this a photo finish.)

Take it away, Jen: