Project Runway Recap: Mila Monster

Mila sends down a flesh-colored dress with gray, white, and black geometric patterns that all seem to point at her model's crotch. Oh, Mila. Michael's already pointing at your model's crotch, but that's because he's yelling "Tacky!" and phoning for help. Heidi's a little in love, of course.

Anna refuses to believe that Charlotte Russe exists and thus produces a diaphanous turquoise blouse, a casual gray vest, and pinstriped short shorts. Maybe our mom can pick us up later. Joanna raises her pimp hand well above the runway and brings it down like a graceful dove with the following criticism: "These are three ingredients that leave you slightly nauseous." That's Editorial Queen's English for -- let me get this right -- "I barfed."

Anthony exhumes the legacy of season two's Chloe Dao and crafts an entirely turquoise dress -- except he adds a diagonal, undulating embellishment crossing from the right shoulder to the left hip. It's cute, but a bit heavy for my liking -- like deflated balloons are tacked on for art's sake. Michael claims Anthony is "doing one-shoulder in a new way," and Joanna has the vapors like Tom Jones just entered the room on a Vespa. "If that's what next spring looks like, beam me there now," she gushes, draping a veil over her face while the second verse of "Take My Breath Away" coarses through her brain.

Ben makes the boldest dress -- a teal, pale yellow, and black-belted number whose conscious influence is Madame Butterfly, but whose subconscious influence is a run-of-the-mill Disney sorceress. Still, it's chic and diagnosably fierce. If Ben could speak in anything but mumbles, I'd be thrilled.

Emilio's red, low-cut dress is fine, I guess. Nina says its details -- like crisscrossed threads and ribboned shoulder straps give her a "juniors" vibe, and that's the best way to describe our pain. Joanna, Michael, and Heidi order Emilio to clip off the shoulder straps and let the model's hair down right on the runway. Couple things: 1) Where did Emilio get those scissors, and 2) If it's a decent dress that needs minor improvements, why isn't it in the middle of the pack? Seth Aaron's unmentioned metallic pantsuit was a masterstroke, even if he stole the metal himself from a blacksmith in his native 18th-century New England.

Janeane's dress looks "hammered and nailed," as Tim Gunn aptly put it. It's a silvery, infinitely seamed number with a touch of green tulle (or something?) near the shoulder. Michael's so annoyed and sure of himself that his critique sounds like a rap. "There's seaweed organza, there's 9,000 seams, and you're supposed to put cover lines onto it?" He then added that the coloring looks like gin and juice, and he's got you all in check.

Our winner is -- the magnificent Anthony! I'd have picked Ben, but Anthony puts up a "preach it" hand and says, "Did they just say my name?" so it was worth it. Predictably, Anna and Janeane land in the bottom two. Heidi orders them to jump into the same body so she can eliminate them at once, but it's no dice. Janeane is spared, and Anna goes home. We'll interview Anna this Tuesday, but in the meantime, we've got the Bryant Park collections to pick at! Stay tuned for more unhinged asinine judgments, full of uninformed opinions and references to the catalog of Busta Rhymes.

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