Project Runway Recap: Mila Monster

In the Bunim-Murray era of Project Runway, two things occur when we hit episode five. First of all, everyone you ever loved has been eliminated. Sure, the casualties couldn't sew, they were "afraid of fabrics," their design background is in "playing with my dogs," and you wanted them to enter a different competition where contestants vie to wear the cutest suspenders, but that doesn't seem important when their degree is in twirling our feelings. Secondly, the remaining contestants band together and agree to be boring. Fresh out of options, the producers invent a villain from one of the less-mute cast members. Mila, you and your severe haircut are hired! Let's see how smeared she is in our recap, after the jump.

Because Bunim-Murray doesn't understand gay people, they have -- again -- kicked off an episode with a contestant (this time Anthony) who blithely remarks that it felt good to be in the bottom last time. Too awesome. Then Mila pipes in with a vague sense of worry, but mostly bafflement: "No one was really very happy for me," she remarks, reflecting on her Top 2 finish last episode. "Maybe it's about jealousy. Maybe it's about whether I should've been in the top." Maybe. Maybe we just need something to be mad at, and Zoe Glassner's unavailable at the moment. Think about it that way.

After a quick designer rendezvous with Heidi, Lifetime makes Tim shuffle the remaining designers into the '89 Chevy Astro van and drive them -- with a sweat-drenched learner's permit in hand -- to the Hearst building. Someone get this man a driver's license. They don't show it, but Tim earns a ticket for parking inside a revolving door, crying at the attending officer, and claiming his mother calls driver's licenses "plebeian tokens." Once that's settled, he introduces us to guest-judge and Marie Claire Editor-in-Chief Joanna Coles, who explains the challenge.

"You're designing a look for the cover of Marie Claire," she says, to everyone's convulsive applause. "Bear in mind that we want to put cover lines over the dress, and we'd never use a black dress. Additionally, you'll be dressing the confident, strong, sexy Heidi Klum. Now, I've never met Nina Garcia before, so don't assume she knows what's best for the cover."

Tim immediately follows up with one of his famous superlatives: "This is one of. The biggest. Challenges In. Project Runway. Hist. Ory." By the time he finishes, the 10 remaining designers have caught cabs back to the workroom, and Tim again questions the inherent loneliness of the human condition.

Following their trip to Mood, the designers get to work on making a generic magazine cover look for Heidi. The prize may be a big deal, but the requirements of the challenge make it a dull exercise in "pretty." Worse, within seconds, we're already fielding confessionals about how "it's so quiet in the workroom" and "everyone's just getting to work." Incensing! Can't Janeane accidentally dunk her dress in a bucket of water, like last time? Maybe Anthony can turn a front-walkover and knock down Seth Aaron's mannequin? I'll take anything.

Fortunately, this is exactly where producer manipulation saves the day, because suddenly, everyone has acute, bitchy thoughts about Mila. We get to hear them! I imagine the confessional coordinator gave each contestant the following unbiased prompt: "You're doing great! You'll probably win. You're pretty too. I like your little ass/glasses/international flavor. Now, tell us three things about Mila that fill you with contempt. If you don't, a little birdie may tell Heidi that Mila sewed your dress. Because she could. And she wants to." Here are some of the luscious Mila anecdotes.

Emilio: Mila, the designer, comes off as cocky when all she's doing is color-blocking. Color-block my ass, old ho.

Anthony: Mila keeps getting all the credit. Life isn't so fair, so I guess Project Runway isn't either.

Seth Aaron: Mila comes off as a genuine Queen Victoria. Who I met. Real jackass.

Jonathan: Um. Let me think. She... looks like Katy Perry morphing into John McLaughlin? I don't know. My hair is combed down today, and I thought that'd be fun for everyone at home.

Janeane: Mila strangled my father. But I won't let it get to me.

Jay: I heard Mila kidnapped Patricia Hearst and tried to feed her the Lindbergh baby. Girl, she is a wreck!

Mila: It makes me mad, just how nice I can be to everyone here. I'm enraged at myself, and so nice. So nice. So nice. [Lashes out at camera crew.]

Even Tim's half-assed critiques can't top these moments, whether or not they really happened. Let's move to the runway and explore the three best and worst garments, as designated by Heidi, Michael, Nina, and unholy Marie Claire Editrix Joanna Coles.

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