Cliffs Notes on the Best Taylor Lautner Slash Fic

Tomorrow, America's he-sweetheart Taylor Lautner turns 18, and that can only mean one thing: That we can now share with you the best of the plentiful, Taylor-themed slash fic available on the web, free from the worry of arrest. So join us now as we examine some of the latest and greatest examples of the burgeoning genre, in easy-to-digest, Cliffs Notes form.

Title: Edward's Eyes

Summary: It's two weeks after the action of New Moon ends. Bella returns from Italy, and plans to meet Jacob at an ice cream parlor to break the news that she's gotten back together with Edward. However, she gets hit by a scooter crossing the street and dies. At her funeral, Edward approaches his former shapeshifter enemy and asks if there's anything he can do. Jacob wipes away his tears and says, "Maybe." Later that night, surrounded by over 80 candles of varying heights, the two make intermonsterspecies love.

Analysis: The main themes of Edward's Eyes are Bella's death and the sexual attraction between Edward and Jacob that they can finally consummate once she is dead. The candles represent the "light" they feel for each other during their lovemaking. It contrasts with the "darkness" they felt over Bella's death.

Title: Three Hearts: A 'Valentine's Day' Fantasy

Summary: Bradley Cooper is all jittery because he is flying back to see his closeted football star boyfriend, Eric Dane. Taylor is in the stands at a big game, and happens to be sitting a few seats away from Bradley Cooper. During the second quarter, Bradley notices him and smiles. Taylor smiles back and joins him when Bradley gestures him over. After the game, the three get together for apps and Arnold Palmers at a TGIFs near the stadium. They all hit it off, and have sex with each other in Eric's giant mansion. They have sex in ever permutation three adult males can possibly have sex. When it's over, Bradley and Eric have a fight in the living room. They realize Taylor has gotten between them. Taylor says he likes them both and thinks that they are both very hot, but he's still young and wants to play the field. They understand, and give him a lift to class the next morning.

Analysis: Just as the title suggests, the concept of "three" is a very important one in this slash fic, and more specifically how a third person inserted into a monogamous relationship can both enhance and destroy what was once a happy home. Another important theme is that of youth vs. experience, as Bradley was seduced by Taylor's innocence and beauty, but ultimately realized his older, closeted partner was more appropriate for him.

Title: Stretch Lautner

Summary: Taylor Lautner plays "Stretch" Armstrong, an average American kid with a huge secret: He can "stretch" any part of his body into any shape and for any length! One quiet night strolling along a beach, he CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED right into the CENSORED CENSORED of a handsome lifeguard he spotted standing 500 meters away. The two agree not to tell anyone, but Stretch would always think back fondly to their encounter.

Analysis: The theme of "stretching" is one that runs throughout Stretch Lautner, both literally (such as in the many instances in which he extends his appendages to cartoonishly oversized proportions), and metaphorically (i.e. the idea of him headlining his own superhero franchise). The author is also exploring new variations on the classic theme of the "hero with a secret" from Greek mythology, and more specifically references the legend of Narcissus in the sequence in which Taylor stares into his iPhone to catch a reflection of his near-perfect bone structure, resulting in a fender-bender.