Movieline Explains: How The Preferential Voting System For Best Picture Actually Works

· If UITA is ranked anywhere from second to tenth, it's brought to a different room, where two accountants then debate whether the film's once-overwhelming Oscar buzz peaked too early, wonder if the recent, overblown script-credit kerfuffle between Jason Reitman and Sheldon Turner cost it some support, and gripe smugly about having seen the Vera Farmiga plot-twist coming the minute she and Clooney started comparing frequent flier cards.

· If Precious is the top-listed movie, the two accountants closest to the Precious pile must murmur disapprovingly about Mo'Nique's non-campaign for the Best Supporting Actress nomination, but all complaints must be tinged with grudging admiration for both her eye-opening performance and her ostensible bravery in "not playing the game."

· Additionally, if Precious is in any of the top three spots, executive producers Oprah Winfrey and Tyler Perry somehow each receive $50,000 per qualifying ballot.

· If The Blind Side appears in slots two through ten, the ballot is pinned to a life-size cardboard standee of Sandra Bullock, and in the event of a tie-breaker, that ballot is placed in the pile of whatever film would have most benefited from "a sprinkling of Sandy Magic."

· If Up is the top choice, the accountant must pause for ten minutes to weep uncontrollably as he remembers the film's wordless, gut-stabbing opening montage before sorting the ballot.

· If Inglourious Basterds is in the bottom half of a ballot, it's awarded a five-spot "Weinstein bonus" per vote. Any accountant failing to apply the bonus will awake the next morning to find the scalped head of a Nazi on his pillow, and FOR YOUR RE-CONSIDERATION scrawled in pig's blood on the bedroom wall.

· If a ballot is cast for Best Picture-ineligible It's Complicated in any of the ten available slots, it will be destroyed and its Voter ritualistically humiliated by having his or her genitals broadcast via Macbook webcam to the entire Membership. In an iChat running alongside the video stream, the Members will make disparaging comments about the Voter's naughty parts, a punishment not only for his or her regrettable susceptibility to Meyersian ladyporn, but an inability to follow simple instructions.

· If a protest write-in vote is made for The Hangover, the Voter is placed in a Baby Bjorn attached to a ten-foot Oscar statue, pelted with rotten buffet food from a recent junket, then banished forever to the Hollywood Foreign Press Association.

· If a Best Picture vote is cast for In The Loop, the accountant sighs wistfully, whispers "f*ckety-bye-bye then," and mails the disqualified ballot to us, who cherishes it f*cking forever.

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