American Idol Recap: The Yawn Victoria

Victoria Beckham left us spellbound during American Idol's Boston auditions when she successfully criticized an entire contestant pool using only variations of "nice." This woman is the George Washington Carver of "nice." She innovated "nice"-related phrases such as "Nice job," "Nice face," and "Not so nice pants." It's hard to imagine everyday life without her discoveries. In her second Idol stint in Denver, which aired last night, Beckham advanced upon these breakthroughs with more nice-associated antics while Kara DioGuardi ordered a passerby to strip. Because this is a highbrow talent show starring pillars of integrity, you forgot.

3. Karaoke Revolution

Contestant Danielle Hayes was the night's best audition, as she howled through Melissa Etheridge's "I'm the Only One" with the restraint of Steven Tyler during a night terror. It wasn't perfect, but it was "moving," as Kara Dioguardi described it in her pottery-class- instructor coo. Strangely, Hayes started crying even prior to her audition, explaining that her life of karaoke auditions and bar gigs had left her deflated. It could be worse, Danielle. You could be related to someone with cancer/autism/leukemia/spinal bifida/a history of crime/Osmond genes. Just ask everyone who's been the show before you.

2. Naked Launch

Nope, I'm even talking about the last contestant, a complete joke named Ty Hemmerling who donned a bikini and sang "Achy Breaky Heart." There were two pseudo-naked contenders last night, and I'm referring to Casey James, a scruffy guitar balladeer with a so-so voice and an above-average ponytail. After he warbled John Mayer's "Gravity" to mixed results, Vicky ordered him to let his immaculate weave down, and Kara DioGuardi, seizing the opportunity to be _CrAy-ZaY, told him to take off his shirt. Pretty gross. Of course he sailed on to Hollywood after that, which means we can look forward to his fully clothed dismissal in one week's time. Thanks for the awkward waste of time as usual, Kara.

1. Headcase and the Angry Itch

Unsurprisingly, Victoria Beckham confirmed that her critical vocabulary is on par with a handicapped sexual predator's: "You have nice skin." "I like your voice." "You're wearing a pretty dress." "Your look is great, mmm." Her one vagabond moment of articulation occurred during the audition of "long-snapping" football player Austin Paul, who sang John Mayer's "Bigger Than My Body" and groped his chest to explain the difficult lyrics. Quoth Victoriam Webster: "For me, it felt a little arrogant, 'Bigger Than My Body.' I got a bit itchy from it." First of all, Posh, let's never project our dermatological problem onto nervous contestants. In fact, the itching is the direct result of your ray-gun-administered tanning process, which has rendered you not only the wrong color, but raceless. Viewers who tuned in late thought a vitiligo-stricken Keisha Knight-Pulliam was added to the panel. And secondly: Vicky, don't ever change. We need more pop stars who look like butterfly pupas, complete with patina of birth goo and camouflage complexion. Looking young is an outdated conceit; 2010 is about looking unborn. People of the world, spice up your larva.