Book Excerpt Exclusive: Meeting Bigfoot on the Road to the Worst Movie Ever Made

When we finally see Bigfoot he looks like the lovechild of Marty Feldman and a monkey. Any comical effect is shattered when he forcibly has his way with a hippie girl, who stares into the camera glumly as she's pounded. It's hideous and ties in to the revelation that the film's ominous hillbillies are blood relations to Bigfoot and they're all in the rape-abduction-breeding business.

As the misspelled credits roll, my mind reels. I wonder whether after just two weeks, I've not only searched for but have already found my beast. Whereas Leonard Part 6 clocked up 20/100 and It's Pat 18/100 on my bad-movie scale, this rates just 12/100. Can there be a worse movie?

A few nights later, my friend Chris Murray comes over. He was the founding editor of Australia's Empire, launching it in 2001 from an office next to FHM, where I worked as features editor. I'd gotten that men's magazine gig in 2000, largely on the strength of a story I'd done about Lloyd Kaufman and Troma for a rival, since-defunct publication called Max. I had enjoyed my time there, and loved doing interesting interviews with guys with great jobs, like the forensic psychologist who specialized in serial killers, or the supercool F/A-18 jet pilot. The downside was the play-hard, work-hard vibe of the mag. We'd do 60-, 70-, and even 80-hour weeks, and then blow off steam in ridiculous drinking frenzies that seemed to go as long. The other downside was having to interview vapid bikini models and ask them embarrassing (for them, and for me) questions about their sex lives.

So, when Empire launched, I jumped at the chance to contribute reviews and features as a freelancer and, in 2002, when their reviews editor position needed filling, I took the job, taking a pay cut to do so. But now I was Watching Movies for a Living! A lifelong dream fulfilled.

I've been there ever since. Chris moved on in 2004 to try his hand at movie producing and running the film-event company Popcorn Taxi. Tonight the first movie they cut their teeth on, a zero-budget crime comedy called Fink! that starred our acquaintance, the then-unknown Sam Worthington, is being screened on network TV.

This is the first time that Chris has seen the film because a falling out with another producer saw him leave the project. He delivers a painful live commentary of moans, groans, and the frequent "Fuck! I can't believe they cut it that way!" I visited the Fink! set and, while it was never going to be more than a romp, the end result is an incoherent shambles. It's a reminder of how bad movies happen to good people.

"Christ, that was bad," an ashen Chris says when it's over.

To cheer him up, I say it wasn't that bad. He looks at me disbelievingly.

I put Search for the Beast on and skip to the highlights.

"Oh my God!" Chris says, wiping away tears, literally trying to catch his breath between laughing convulsions. "I never knew a movie could be like this!"

It's a reminder of how much fun other people's bad movies can be.

Ask your bookseller for Showgirls, Teen Wolves, and Astro Zombies by name, or find it here at Amazon.

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