Leno vs. Conan: What We've Learned

David Letterman Might Still Hold A Teensy Grudge Against Leno

Having apparently waited for the proper time to unload the festering resentment about how Leno weaseled his way through the post-Carson Tonight Show succession, Letterman's taken every opportunity to (hilariously) push a thumb into "Big Jaw's" eye, the recent revelations of his own personal, assistant-diddling failings be damned. As Dave explained last night in response to NBC in-house Bob Costas sweater-stylist Dick Ebersol's description of the rampant Leno-bashing as "gutless" and "chicken-hearted," taking pokes at "America's Best Friend" is just too much darn fun to quit! And, as his relentless Late Show gags have demonstrated, he's not wrong about that.

Jimmy Kimmel Is A National Hero

It would've been easy to forget about Jimmy Kimmel when all the action was happening over at Conan's and Letterman's shows, but Kimmel elbowed his way into the conversation first by doing an entire hour in Leno-drag, then by turning Jay's attempt to show what a great sport he is about the whole thing into an eight-minute evisceration on his home turf. "Conan and I have children. All you have to take care of is cars. We've got lives to lead here, you've got 800 million dollars. For God's sake, leave our shows alone!" said Kimmel. And with those words, America stood as one, raised its fingers to its collective brow, and saluted the ABC party-crasher's swinging, big ol' set of balls.

Conan Will Be Fine!

Fox show, ABC show, FX show, USA show, Comedy Central show, whatever. He'll get one soon, those of us who've spent the last decade and a half watching him every night will go back to doing that, probably in September. Boo for having to wait until then, yay for a new show! Weinbergs will drum! Richters will sidekick! Diapered animals will self-abuse! (Well, maybe not the bear, if NBC winds up owning him. But the Bean-Flicking Tapir will be just as good.)

Jay Leno Will Also Be Fine!

Everybody else hates him now, but his audience really has no idea what's going on, nor does it really care. Go ask your parents about it. See? Oh, and while you're there, would you mind showing them how this DVR thingy works again? They've been watching nothing but that same episode of Antiques Roadshow you recorded for them four months ago, and that channel where the people shout at you about the pay-per-view movies.

Showbusiness Is Terrible, Just Terrible

Even when you've think you've finally achieved all the Hollywood dreams you've spent a lifetime working towards, there's always a guy with a spreadsheet and his own ass to save who can take it all away, shrugging It's just business! while stomping all over everything you've ever cared about. But at least the pay's pretty good, even during the stomping part.

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