Movieline Predicts 10 Bad Movies We'll Love in 2010
The Karate Kid Cuts Footloose On Elm Street
OK, a threefer because this year offers a triple bill of 1984 molestation. In The Karate Kid, Jaden Smith -- Will's son -- replaces Ralph Macchio, playing a pipsqueak who gets hassled at his new school in Beijing and so learns kung fu from senior citizen Jackie Chan. Let the culture war and trade wars meet! But if the kid really wanted to stop getting his ass kicked, wouldn't it just be simpler to change his name from the bully-bait "Dre"? Anyway, that this needless remake is from the director of Agent Cody Banks 2: Destination London and The Pink Panther 2 makes me feel decidedly punchy. But even a rebooted high-kicking kid must be preferable to Chace Crawford trying to kick off his Sunday shoes in the new Footloose, compounded by the prospect of some R&B douche ruining Kenny Loggins's guilty-pleasure original theme song. And then there's the new A Nightmare On Elm Street. Scariest thing in the trailer? The four soul-chilling words: "From producer Michael Bay."
Friday The 13th: Part Two
Speaking of the Platinum Dude's crimes against cinema. Contemplating that this "new" Friday is a remake-sequel to a remake of an "original" that back in 1980 only made its reputation by being the first in a never-ending parade of sub-standard slashers to rip-off the superior Halloween [takes breath] is more frightening than anything we're likely to see Jason Voorhees do. Those who witnessed last year's remake know what I'm talking about. (That said, the line "You got perfect nipple placement, baby" was at least funnier than anything in Transformers 2, Michael Bay's other '09 contribution to culture.) That this one is going to be the 13th installment of the Friday The 13th franchise and it'll be released on August 13th -- a Friday! -- just increases the paraskevidekatriaphobia. If only Bay could somehow make it in 13-D!
Celine: Through The Eyes Of The World
Allow me to quote from the official release: "Celine Dion, the international superstar and best-selling female artist of all time, has toured around the world and back again, and now, Sony Pictures Releasing's special programming division, The Hot Ticket, will let audiences follow her everywhere. For a limited engagement beginning early next year in wide release, Celine: Through the Eyes of the World will bring Celine Dion's 2008-2009 Taking Chances World Tour to theaters. This special motion picture event gives Dion fans who attended the extremely popular tour -- which placed Dion second only to Madonna in ticket sales in 2008 -- another chance to experience the magical event, this time from a vantage point unparalleled by any ticket." Apple Trailers lists this as "documentary." The word "informercial" also comes to mind. But, have at it, Celine fans. Sony executives hoping for This Is It style box-office numbers are forgetting one very key factor. And I think you know who that might be.
Michael Adams is the author of Showgirls, Teen Wolves And Astro Zombies, which follows the entire year he spent watching bad films in the pursuit of the world's worst movie. It can be yours on Amazon.
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Comments
re: Valentine's Day...
At least they went realistic with this one and cast a lot of normal looking people.
Best last line: Karate Kid's "That's nasty" or The Back-Up Plan's "I shouldna seen that"?
Where to begin?
- Jessica Alba with a shaved head is better than Jessica Alba as a blonde.
- Maybe Brendan Fraiser finally realized that he's more Encino Man than Extraordinary Measures. When he's playing "serious" he looks constipated.
- If Americans love one thing, it's comical talking animals whether they're of the "wise cracking" or "sassy" variety. Lest we forget Alf was a successful television program even if Poochinski never was.
- I'd love to see a realistic portrait of an average Valentine's Day: an average to ugly couple enjoying a romantic 2 for $20 dinner at Applebee's. Gifts like a cheap stuffed gorilla that sings "Light My Fire." A heart shaped Whitman's sampler. A polyester and lace teddy in fire engine red. Any sex at all. Perhaps a fashion jewelry pendant from JCPenney.
- While I hate everything, literally everything, I WILL stand in the line of shame at The Grove to see SATC Part 2: Doggie-Style in the Desert.
You forgot THE A-TEAM! Only it will be a bad movie with little love with that SMOKIN' ASSES erm ACES director!
"Pick up your jacket" is this new Karate Kid's idea of updating the original? Will this film also have a minor character from the evil dojo screaming, "Get him a bag utilized for corpses! Yeeeeaaah!"
On the other hand, Jaden Smith, you CAN be the Ralph Macchio of the new generation. You're in a good place to achieve that goal.
Seriously on J-Alba's hair color. Even in the YouTube screengrab, I winced.
Jump The Shark = television show past its peak.
Nuke The Fridge = Movie franchise that is no longer sustainable
I posit a new cultural expression:
Sweep the Leg = any remake that is laughably horrible compared to the original
What sort of chances are Celine Dion/Celine Dion's fans taking?
They are totally murdering an 80's classic. I hope Will Smiths kid gets typecasted for being a part of this horrendous idea.
They should have left it alone after the 3rd one or at least casted a Japanese person instead of a Jackie Chan. They could have had Daniel-san teach the kid Karate or something.
1. at least the blackberry joke was kind of funny. the one in Ugly Truth was totally not.
2. i'm shocked they didn't have Taylor L in the trailer big time. isn't he the major IT boy of the bunch. I mean he's probably more McDreamy than McDreamy right now (imagine if Robbie was in this movie, good lawd)
Amen. how about a movie about working in a mall on V day or Black Friday or Christmas Eve. any of those.
i still remember working at a freaking Godiva and having to be at work at 5am (no jokes) to dip some 30 lbs of fresh extra large strawberries, plus wrap them (two in a box how cute) for special orders for Valentine's Day. I was the store's expert gift maker (and expert dipper). and i didn't get a bonus or tips. or that many thank yous for that matter. even from my boss.
i like.
No Hot Tub Time Machine?
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1231587/
I was talking to an expat New Yorker yesterday who said that when the rain here in Vangroover makes her suicidal she tells herself she has to live long enough to see Hot Tub Time Machine and she perks right up again.
Dang, yes - the trailer looks baaaaad. John Cusack goes back to the 1980s and encounters himself in Better Off Dead and warns his younger self: "Don't do Martian Child. Or Hot Tub Time Machine." But hey, maybe it'll be okay. Here's hoping -- otherwise the expat New Yorker might need to be put on suicide watch.
This post made me laugh, simply because I live in Australia and right up until recently, didn't own a auto either. My housemates have been all in the same boat, but we had been all too proud to buy a trolley simply because in our suburban area its considered humorous. But in the inner-city Melbourne suburbs they're all the rage! Anyway, as somene that has been within your situation, I sympathise!
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They are smart for building earthquake proof buildings like that, Chili also is a country that was prepared for earth quakes. They build buildings that were made to withstand earthquakes.