Movieline Predicts 10 Bad Movies We'll Love in 2010
"Looks good!" Those words, from my 4-year-old daughter, don't usually inspire horror, especially in this age of sublime children's movies, from Up! and Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs to Fantastic Mr. Fox and Coraline. But when they're uttered in response to The Rock sprouting wings in the name of kiddie comedy, my only recourse is a silent resolution: We'll catch the Tooth Fairy when Ava's much, much older; when she's 50 and I'm sucking food through a straw and no longer able to summon the mental energy to use the Neural Changer on my old Sony Holograph. And glancing further down the list of coming "attractions," there are 10 more titles in 2010 I plan on avoiding as long as I can until, bad-movies sucker that I am, my curiosity gets the better of me. (Find conveniently, refreshingly brief trailers where available.)
Sex And the City 2
I caught the first movie on a plane from Sydney to New York because it seemed a fitting way to distract myself at 35,000 feet. I wasn't expecting much because I a) wasn't a huge fan of the show and b) had been told by my other half, who's a die-hard Carrie-lover, that the flick was "disappointing." But I was still surprised it didn't work even as in-flight fluff. However, the $400m worldwide gross made a sequel as inevitable as a designer shoe reference in any given five minutes of a SATC ep. Carrie Bradshaw's cloying SATC 2 trailer voiceover promises "just when you think you've seen it all, it hits you: you haven't seen anything yet." Here's the real guarantee: You have seen it all -- a million times before. That the girls go to Egypt this time just means the shopping montage will feature harem wear, and someone will come down with a "hilarious" case of runny bottom. If they really wanted to show us something we hadn't seen before, how about pitting Carrie and Co. against a zombie horde... not that the undead would be able to strip much flesh of that femme foursome.
Cop Out
Perhaps appropriately, I think of Kevin Smith in awkward man-love terms. Back in the mid-1990s, I was enthralled by his DIY Clerks and Chasing Amy, and even had good feelings about Mallrats and Jay And Silent Bob Strike Back. As the New Jersey native might these days Twitter about his wife, he PWNED my taint. But then came the betrayals: the saccharine slop of Jersey Girl, the crass desperation of Clerks 2 and, even after I'd forgiven him for those, the squandering of Seth Rogen and Elizabeth Banks in Apatow-aping Zack & Miri Make A Porno. That slide is unlikely to be reversed by Cop Out. The hoo-ha over the title -- reminiscent of the Zack & Miri poster "controversy" -- presupposes anyone cares about a recycled interracial buddy-cop comedy starring the too-familiar shtick of Bruce Willis and Tracy Morgan. The clunky clincher? Those hoping against hope for a return of the raunchy wit Smith used to wield should know he's only a hired directorial gun on this. And if there's one thing he's been candid about over the years -- apart from brown and pink things coming out of/going into his/her body -- it's that Smith is, at best, pedestrian behind the camera.
Furry Vengeance
If only this were a parody 1970s porno featuring the sort of full bushes favored by Alec Baldwin in It's Complicated. Rather, this has Brendan Fraser returning to his doofus comfort zone as a developer beset by a bunch of animals who want to save their forest from destruction. How Fraser's sides must've split when he read the script! It's in the trailer: Our man cops a face full of scalding coffee, a noseful of skunk farts, a plasma screen to the head, a garden sprinkler to the crotch and the contents of a portable toilet to his whole person. Oh, for the Ernst Lubitsch-style sophistication of Encino Man and Dudley Do-Right. That said, director Roger Kumble would have to have worked pretty damn hard to make a motion picture worse than his The Sweetest Thing.
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Comments
re: Valentine's Day...
At least they went realistic with this one and cast a lot of normal looking people.
Best last line: Karate Kid's "That's nasty" or The Back-Up Plan's "I shouldna seen that"?
Where to begin?
- Jessica Alba with a shaved head is better than Jessica Alba as a blonde.
- Maybe Brendan Fraiser finally realized that he's more Encino Man than Extraordinary Measures. When he's playing "serious" he looks constipated.
- If Americans love one thing, it's comical talking animals whether they're of the "wise cracking" or "sassy" variety. Lest we forget Alf was a successful television program even if Poochinski never was.
- I'd love to see a realistic portrait of an average Valentine's Day: an average to ugly couple enjoying a romantic 2 for $20 dinner at Applebee's. Gifts like a cheap stuffed gorilla that sings "Light My Fire." A heart shaped Whitman's sampler. A polyester and lace teddy in fire engine red. Any sex at all. Perhaps a fashion jewelry pendant from JCPenney.
- While I hate everything, literally everything, I WILL stand in the line of shame at The Grove to see SATC Part 2: Doggie-Style in the Desert.
You forgot THE A-TEAM! Only it will be a bad movie with little love with that SMOKIN' ASSES erm ACES director!
"Pick up your jacket" is this new Karate Kid's idea of updating the original? Will this film also have a minor character from the evil dojo screaming, "Get him a bag utilized for corpses! Yeeeeaaah!"
On the other hand, Jaden Smith, you CAN be the Ralph Macchio of the new generation. You're in a good place to achieve that goal.
Seriously on J-Alba's hair color. Even in the YouTube screengrab, I winced.
Jump The Shark = television show past its peak.
Nuke The Fridge = Movie franchise that is no longer sustainable
I posit a new cultural expression:
Sweep the Leg = any remake that is laughably horrible compared to the original
What sort of chances are Celine Dion/Celine Dion's fans taking?
They are totally murdering an 80's classic. I hope Will Smiths kid gets typecasted for being a part of this horrendous idea.
They should have left it alone after the 3rd one or at least casted a Japanese person instead of a Jackie Chan. They could have had Daniel-san teach the kid Karate or something.
1. at least the blackberry joke was kind of funny. the one in Ugly Truth was totally not.
2. i'm shocked they didn't have Taylor L in the trailer big time. isn't he the major IT boy of the bunch. I mean he's probably more McDreamy than McDreamy right now (imagine if Robbie was in this movie, good lawd)
Amen. how about a movie about working in a mall on V day or Black Friday or Christmas Eve. any of those.
i still remember working at a freaking Godiva and having to be at work at 5am (no jokes) to dip some 30 lbs of fresh extra large strawberries, plus wrap them (two in a box how cute) for special orders for Valentine's Day. I was the store's expert gift maker (and expert dipper). and i didn't get a bonus or tips. or that many thank yous for that matter. even from my boss.
i like.
No Hot Tub Time Machine?
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1231587/
I was talking to an expat New Yorker yesterday who said that when the rain here in Vangroover makes her suicidal she tells herself she has to live long enough to see Hot Tub Time Machine and she perks right up again.
Dang, yes - the trailer looks baaaaad. John Cusack goes back to the 1980s and encounters himself in Better Off Dead and warns his younger self: "Don't do Martian Child. Or Hot Tub Time Machine." But hey, maybe it'll be okay. Here's hoping -- otherwise the expat New Yorker might need to be put on suicide watch.
This post made me laugh, simply because I live in Australia and right up until recently, didn't own a auto either. My housemates have been all in the same boat, but we had been all too proud to buy a trolley simply because in our suburban area its considered humorous. But in the inner-city Melbourne suburbs they're all the rage! Anyway, as somene that has been within your situation, I sympathise!
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