Our New Year's Resolutions

We resolve to not throw a fit in the event that the wildly overpraised Up in the Air wins Best Picture over more deserving films, like The Hurt Locker or Inglourious Basterds. Or the The Fantastic Mr. Fox. Or In The Loop.

We resolve to let go of our fantasies that little-seen British movies featuring some of the best, most operatically profane dialogue we've ever heard might creep into the Best Picture race. In the Loop, people. Just f*cking see it, you motherc*nting c*ck**b*l*rs.

We resolve not to interrupt the Oscar viewing party by yelping, "I'm king of the sentient forest!" should Jim Cameron win Best Director and/or Best Picture.

We resolve not to retreat to our hibernation pod the moment the final credits on the Oscars roll, only to emerge when awakened by the first brain-rattling explosions of blockbuster season, choosing instead to succor the ugly stepchildren Hollywood cruelly shoves out on the street between March and early May. They deserve love, too.

We could probably be kinder to Peter Berg in the coming year. Dude's just trying to make a living with his space-battleships, yo. You try making a movie out of a game about stabbing red pegs into tiny toy boats.

Let's all resolve to lobby our Congressional representatives to designate a "Give Katherine Heigl A Hug Day," because wouldn't that be nice? She seems like she could use a hug once in a while, especially during the press tours for her movies.

We resolve to lose fifteen pounds by summer by undertaking the "Watch Ten Minutes Of Food, Inc Every Time We Consider Hitting The Drive-Thru Diet." (Our "Super Size Me Diet" of 2004 did nothing but give us an insatiable craving for Quarter Pounders. Hopefully considering how deeply the Subsidized Corn Industrial Complex has penetrated its poison husks into our daily lives will help us stick to the program.)

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