9 Ways James Cameron Will Make Fantastic Voyage More Fantastic

5. Come To Think Of It, Give Us A Villain...

Right from the outset of the original, the crew are told that there's likely a saboteur working against the mission. Talk about security measures! They have this trillion-dollar secret program to shrink important shit, and yet of the four people on the mission one of them's a Russkie spy with a license to kill! Just try to guess who it is! Here's where James Cameron can update it by making the bad guy a secret fundamentalist nutjob opposed to the president's efforts to save the environment and explore God's universe. Cameron should obviously keep the 1966 version's supporting baddies -- the human system's voracious antibodies -- but should add in some gnarly killer nanobots, which are perhaps injected by the medical team but which go rogue.

6. ...And A Woman Warrior

No offense, and Raquel Welch fills out her white jumpsuit nicely, but hers is a subservient research gal role -- and Cameron doesn't do those. Expect the updated Fantastic Voyage to be led by a ballsy, sexy and scientifically advanced uber-babe. Zoe Saldana's done the hard yards in the mo-cap studio for Cameron so she deserves first right of refusal, surely. And on the jumpsuits: Please do away with them, James. My retinas are still scarred by the male cameltoes caused by the original costumes' "lift-and-separate" effect.

7. Make Them Louder

The original shrunken foursome must be the quietest bunch ever. Boyd, who shouted his way through awesome-awful_ The Oscar_ that same year, was probably happy to give his vocal chords a rest, especially with lines like, "That reminds me, I better spawn a radio message." Pleasence was career-long quiet-talker and Welch was saving herself for her big "Tumak? Loana!" speech in that year's One Million Years B.C. Kennedy, meanwhile, is right to keep his endless speechifying on the down-low, especially with chewy mouthfuls like: "The medieval philosophers were right. Man is the center of the universe. We stand in the middle of infinity between outer and inner space, and there's no limit to either." Cameron will no doubt bring some much-needed shouted/growled dialogue along the lines of, "The human digestive system will chew you up and shit you out with zero warning!"

8. Make It Snappy

One of Avatar's strengths was how quickly it thrust us into the world of Pandora. We were in space on Fade In and shooting through the alien world's atmosphere minutes later. Fantastic Voyage needs such a shot of adrenaline. It's an achingly slow 37 minutes before the miniaturized sub and scientists hit that bloodstream. And much of this snooze-time is taken up with deadly dull dialogue like, "Mr Grant, open induction valves on and two," and "Phase four, elevate zero module."

9. Don't Open In A Snowstorm

No doubt Avatar will bounce back beautifully next week, recording the lowest-ever box-office drop off. But Cameron will take no chances with his next one. Right now his R&D people are no doubt plowing Avatar's project profits back into weather control. Not that we'll hear about it. Just don't be surprised when, in the lead up to Fantastic Voyage's Christmas 2012 release, we have a week of 80-degree days.

Michael Adams' pop-culture memoir Showgirls, Teen Wolves, and Astro Zombies, which follows his year-long quest to watch the world's worst movie, is in stores January 19. To read a sample chapter free, go to www.badmoviebook.com

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