Scoring Letterman's Tiger Woods Monologue

Reversing to recap the events he missed during hiatus, Dave continued: "Woods backed up over a fire hydrant, and wound up hitting a tree, and they found him passed out in the street in his underpants. [beat] Well, hell, who hasn't done that?" A slight nod to his own sometimes colorful (if mostly un-sensationalized) past, but mostly just a joke about general drunken, half-naked, bachelor-party-level shenanigans. Self-effacement points: 5 out of 10

And finally: "They're saying now his endorsements may be in jeopardy. [...] They say he might no longer be on the box of Wheaties. I was thinking, 'My God, if he was actually this active, maybe he deserves to be on the Wheaties box.'" Not much there. But the shrugging button, "Yeah, not much else I can say," brought it back Daveward for a bit of a self-referential finish. Self-effacement points: 6 out of 10.

Total Self-Effacement Points: 30 of 50.

All things considered, a strong showing. And more importantly, one that's broken the seal on the (mostly silly, media-concocted) "Will Dave be able to joke about other self-destructive celebrity penises?" question, so that he's ready to pounce when Tiger's next mouthy mistress, a Publix supermarket checker with come-hither eyes and a suggestive way of scanning his carrots, breaks her silence about how he likes to count out his number of major championships with each perfectly repeated thrust.

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