The Two-Minute Verdict: It's About Time Someone Gave Those Apatow Comedies The Totally Unfunny Business!

Your fifth thought involves somewhat enjoying, for reasons you don't completely understand, the presence of all these Bizarro versions of beloved members of the Apatow Repertory Players. That guy sounds like Seth Rogen, ish! And that's an uncanny, fake Jonah Hill, who probably enjoys going to parties and pretending he's the real Jonah Hill! And there's a McLovin! Excuse you, a McAnalLovin, because anal sex joke!

Your sixth thought involves asking yourself if perhaps your internal monologue is overusing exclamation points to convey mock-excitement. It is.

Your seventh thought centers around the shame of involuntary arousal at the sight of one septuagenarian buggering another septuagenarian, followed by a jotting down of this thought for discussion at this week's therapy session.

Your eighth thought is bewilderment about why anyone would bother to take the broadest moments from these source comedies -- all of which you enjoyed greatly, by the way -- and make them broader still for the purposes of feature-length parody. Is there a funnier way to rip hair off a man's chest that was left unexplored in the original Virgin? (You submit that if there is, it does not involve gluing a swatch of a cheap rug and two slices of nipple-pepperoni to a depilatory sheet.)

Your ninth thought is interrupted by the self-administered gunshot wound to the head.

Verdict: You should've shot yourself somewhere between the second and third thoughts.

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