Scenes From A Hastily Manufactured TV Romance: Jon - Kate + Octomom

THE GOODNIGHT

Jon and Nadya stand on the doorstep. She holds the knotted-together end of fourteen leashes, which jerk her to and fro. On the lawn, Jon's kids are tied to a tetherball pole, circling it over and over again. Except for AIDEN GOSSELIN (the one with glasses), who sits near Jon's feet, spinning the arrow on a broken Speak N' Spell, making indiscernible animal noises to himself.

NADYA

I probably shouldn't tell you this.

JON

(glances at camera, winks)

Tell me.

NADYA

Before our date, I put on a Kate wig.

JON

(winces)

Really?

NADYA

I just wanted to see how awful I'd look. Her hair is like so terrible!

He laughs. A laugh-like noise is emitted from Nady's frozen mouth, and her top lip quivers slightly from the exertion.

JON

You're so bad.

NADYA

I know!

AIDEN makes a louder noise.

JON

(to Aiden)

Aid, buddy. Enough with the mooing. That's a duck, anyway.

(to Nadya)

He hasn't been talking much since the split. Doc says he's a motormouth in therapy, though.

NADYA

I love him!

JON

Don't you? He's the only one I really like to hang with. Isn't that right, buddy?

AIDEN ignores him, clucks.

JON

There you go!

NADYA

He's, like, totally marketable.

JON

Totally.

(checks watch)

Well, this was great. But I gotta bounce, if the kids aren't back by 9, the bitch gets three extra weekends and custody of a sperm bank deposit I made, like, ten years ago.

NADYA

Gotcha. So...I'll see you again?

He looks over at a field producer, who gives him a thumbs-up.

JON

You know you will.

He leans in for a kiss. He aims awkwardly for the somewhat liplike, plump things on her face.

NADYA

(deep sigh)

Can't wait. ♦

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