Scenes From A Hastily Manufactured TV Romance: Jon - Kate + Octomom

THE RESTAURANT

Jon and Nadya sit at the center of a large banquet table, surrounded by chairs for twenty-two children. Most of the seats are unoccupied, as the kids do laps around the restaurant, hurl handfuls of food at each other and the waitstaff, or quietly soil themselves underneath the table. The ones who are actually seated clumsily thrust and parry with utensils.

JON

You know, when they told me you secretly had a crush on me, I couldn't believe it.

NADYA

They said that? I'm blushing!

Her chemically paralyzed face shows no change in color, or movement, whatsoever.

JON

I've just always found you so interesting. Like, why did she not stop after six kids? Why go all the way to fourteen? It's, like, fascinating.

NADYA

I just have so much love to give.

A child approaches her.

OCTO-7

Mommy, so hungry. That one took my food.

He points to a child dancing on a broken plate, its contents strewn across the floor.

NADYA

Mommy's busy! Do you not want five more brothers and sisters and a new show?

OCTO-7

No.

NADYA

Don't be a brat, yes you do. Now go eat.

(to Jon)

Each one is a gift, you know?

JON

Totally.

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