Scenes From A Hastily Manufactured TV Romance: Jon - Kate + Octomom

According to the NY Daily News, or In Touch Weekly, or the shady producer claiming to be behind the almost certainly fictional project, stay-at-TV dad Jon Gosselin and tabloid-powered baby-factory Nadya "Octomom" Suleman are working on a new reality show in which the father of eight and mother of fourteen will date, on the television, in fulfillment of the ancient prophesy. Should this program ever actually happen, it would, of course, mean either the instantaneous end of society or the bold beginning of a newer, better one, one where status will be measured solely by an individual's demonstrated the ability to perpetuate his or her DNA in bulk. In the interest of trying to puzzle out whether this alleged show will serve as either the aforementioned end or beginning of the world, Movieline is closing its eyes, drifting off to a place usually only accessible during intense hypnotherapy, and then transcribing the scenes it sees playing out once the violent, disturbing seizures subside. Enjoy.

THE INTRODUCTION

Jon Gosselin, plus his camera crew, arrive on Nadya's doorstep. He gives a thumbs-up to the camera, takes a deep breath, and finally knocks on the door. It opens. It's Nadya. Behind her, what seem like four-hundred children run to and fro, striking each other with pieces of broken furniture, eating handfuls of driveway gravel, and giving each other amateurish haircuts with gardening implements.

JON

(shyly)

Hi.

NADYA.

Hi yourself.

An awkward silence. A young boy approaches, his hands full of escaped salamanders. Nadya wheels on him.

NADYA

I TOLD YOU TO GO UPSTAIRS AND CLEAN THE BUNK ROOM!

(back to Jon)

Sorry about that. You know how it gets.

He smiles in understanding, then hands her a package.

NADYA

(excitedly covering her mouth)

Leashes!

JON

Fourteen of them.

Nadya's eyes quiver with appreciation.

JON

Shall we?

NADYA

Let's do it. Who's driving?

JON

I've got it taken care of.

He gestures to a school bus behind him, encased in a latex wrap bearing the show's logo. Eight heads stare from the windows.

NADYA

Yay!

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