Unlocking The Secrets Of The First A-Team Image

A little earlier, we directed you to the first! still! image! from Joe Carnahan's upcoming A-Team feature, the initial breadcrumb Fox's marketing machine is dropping as it slowly lures us towards the multiplex next year. But on this Friday afternoon, with nothing more compelling to discuss than some torture porn and yet another vampire movie about to thud into theaters, we think more attention on the image is warranted. Join us as we attempt to unlock all of the secrets hiding within this seemingly innocuous, liberally airbrushed scene of four guys standing around.

1. Perhaps the most iconic feature of the original A-Team series -- one even more memorable than Hannibal Smith's cigar, B.A. Baracus's mohawk, or H.M. Murdock's beshitted khakis -- was the black, armor-plated van that ferried our favorite mercenaries from adventure to adventure. Here, the van is obscured by smoke (though we can still see a hint of its red racing stripe), suggesting that the filmmakers have something truly special in store for us, perhaps a radical redesign on par with what Christopher Nolan did in converting the Batmobile from Happy Meal-ready toy into indestructible, tank-like monstrosity. Or, if we really get our wish, they'll reveal that the van's flank actually features an airbrushed depiction of B.A. and Murdoch locked in the passionate kiss that seemed inevitable ever since the musclebound, secret softy and the deranged loose-cannon were forever linked by an involuntary infusion of Howling Mad's insanity-tainted blood*.

2. The casting of Bradley Cooper hints at it, but the pricey designer suit -- sans tie, plus insouciantly slung automatic rifle -- confirms it: the new Faceman will be 300% smarmier than the Dirk Benedict original. At some point, he's likely to peel off a prosthetic disguise, smirk with condescension at his mark, and sneer, "Dude. Dude!. You couldn't tell I was wearing a mask? Nice. By the way, totally banged your wife last night. She's great, love that purring noise she makes. Good catch."

3. Several pounds of gold chains would be an off-putting anachronism in these economically dire times, and so a more fiscally responsible B.A. Baracus will replace the blinged-out, Reaganist relic Mr. T once depicted; accordingly, the only fools he'll be pitying are the ones who believe that vulgar displays of material wealth are the proper way to celebrate one's manhood. Also, it's good to see that B.A. will likely be spending at least a portion of the film upright, rather than in the drugged-out, prone state necessary to transport the aerophobic strongman to a faraway mission.

4. Filthy baseball cap? Check. Distressed leather jacket? Check. Cargo pants with pockets big enough to tote around the anti-psychotic medications he needs to gobble down every hour, lest he suffer an upsetting episode where he collapses into the fetal position and screams about trash-bags*? Check. Sharlto Copley's Howling Mad Murdock is ready for action, looking much the same as the character did in the mid-80s...

5. ...except for that gnarled prawn-claw he's hiding in his front left pocket, because it freaks B.A. the f*ck out.

6. Hannibal, despite the unavoidable disillusionment that comes with not having a gig for over twenty years, won't be able to help but love it when a plan -- slowly, agonizingly, satisfyingly -- comes together.

[*It's quite possible we watched way too much of this show during our childhood.]